thoughts in deep purple

I know, random title. but it's something close to the way I am feeling. True, it does help that I am Wearing deep purple, and it is growing into evening dark.

Things in life just keep on changing, growing, and moving on. This year is almost over and I'm trying to dream with God about what life could look like. I always love to talk as if I am fond of dreaming and wondering what could be--but the truth is, it is uncomfortable. For dreams are hope painted pictures. And hope itself is a scary thing. It is based upon trust and faith. Which are in turn hard.
I'm in this interesting place between total restlessness with where I am now, and fear of the unknown. I cannot wait to see who I turn into, but the idea of changing without knowing in advance who I will be... that causes me to pause and wonder how bad it would be just to stay here in complacency.
But God is faithful. Always has been. And always will be. He has started (in answer to many a prayer I almost regret now ;) a holy fire of discontent of the status quo and desire of what will be.
I get excited when I think about the strange and crazy things that I could be doing for God. About being a vagabond for Him; willing to go where He calls and be His hands and feet.
When I think like that I get exited.
Because He is so good.
And in all reality.
Life is nothing without Him.
So even through the fears and the doubts of the unknown, I'll keep praying those dangerous prayers of: "Shake me, form me, don't let me become complacent. Lord. I'm all yours. Here I am. Send me."

New things and Stuff.

I've been busy Busy with work and life-- life is the bits in between work!-- I will have worked six days this week... it is awesome. My Kohl's is starting to look more like a store! Exciting stuff. It's kinda funny because we already have people trying to come in a shop, but we have to tell them that we are not open yet... I've over heard so many associates talking with people and the people cannot seem to grasp the fact that the store is Not Open, and all the people they see are just workers....

Sometimes I question if I'm still in my right mind... those times where I catch myself singing along to Milly or Beber on the radio.... :P

Water! I'm so thankful for running water! My water got turned off by mistake for TWO DAYS. And now I have water again... so it makes me happy.

I love life and God is good.
This is my update for now!

Wind in the trees and coffee....

....are very beautiful things if life.
I love the weather! I think it has finally taken a turn for the cold and it is starting to feel like fall. Which is one of the most beautiful seasons there is.
The wind is all around making wonderful music in the trees and coffee suddenly tastes 1,000x better than awesome....

Work at Kohl's is going well, and our grand opening is getting closer...
I'm starting the search again for another job so that I can pay the bills and start saving up for life.
Also I'm in the process of setting up an Etsy store to sell my art! I'm thinking about cards with my original artwork, prints, and anything and everything else!
How great would it be to do something I love AND have a supplementary income?? Quite to my liking. I will be sure and add a link to my store when I get it up and running!

So life continues on, each day being followed by the next. Each revealing new ways and needs to trust God. and yeah. Minutes and hours drift by, it is a struggle to trust God with everything that I need to. Somehow it seems to be such a tempting offer to try and handle my problems myself.... even though I know that nothing good will come from it... so moment my moment I'm trying to lay them all down, hand it all over, and trust with my life. Not always the most fun, but I'm learning. Thank God for He great mercy and Love and PATIENCE! (goodness, I need some of that!)

Ups Downs and putting up shelves.

This is one of those blogs... the blogs where I need to think and try to process...
So much has been happening and not much has made it out of my heart and into the space beyond.

There is happy news: Nathaniel and I are engaged. God has done beautiful things in our lives individually, and together we have been able to see more of Him and run after Him harder. Together. This is such a blessing to my life, that I don't even have words to make it fully known...

it has not been an easy journey, for anyone involved.
but it is worth it.

Shelves. I have put up so many shelves it is almost crazy.
I'm working at a new Kohl's and helped put everything together. It has been a strangely insightful process that has explained to me much of how people work and how I work.
It always gives me another understanding for what PROCESS can really look like.
I'm talking process: day by day moving one foot in front of the other.
Trusting in the One leading you, not understanding all the things that you are about to do, but going in to learn. So I have been going into learn.

I can do nothing on my own. I am living in total reliance on God. I freak out if I start thinking about how many different ways I could fail in this life, today for that matter. But I know God is with me. So I will move forward according to what I hear and what I know to be true.

Each day is a new journey that can only be taken one step at a time. But with God there is hope. Where there is hope, there is the ability to have faith and walk forward.
With God I have hope.
He is leading me home.
Even if the way home is walking through the valley of Baca.
I will follow Him.

Another step forward

Ah, good music and the feeling that comes from resolve effecting movement.
For so long, I have been "skating by" in life... was looking for a job, and had not real schedule or set of responsibilities.
 But NOW, I have a job at Kohl's--which is super fun/kinda hard because we are a new store that has not even opened yet! So for the past couple days I have been putting together the store... which is really eye-opening. It is hard to imagine how work is put into getting a store up and running!--but I'm back on mornings, so when I get off from work I still have a whole day ahead of me!

how cute! I'm at the library on the internet, and a little girl came up and started talking with me about everything... like school and what I'm writing and when to far as to ask to see pictures of Nathaniel and ask about my life goals... ^_^ makes me happy.

But Yeah. Life is going pretty well. I'm learning more and more not to worry about crazy little things that don't really relate to "real life." And starting to really Want God in my life.
I always want a book to tell me like it is, to give me the step so that I can be the perfect Christian and follower of God. I'm learning that that does not work.
Being a Christian is messy, being a follower of Christ is hard, yet easy. It is having a Relationship and not following a set of rules or doctrine. I've been realizing how often I go to the Bible to seek answers to my problems so I can get on with life, but neglect to ask God about any of it.
I've started hungering deep down for Him. I know that He is the only thing in this life that has lasting meaning. And I for one want to love people the way He does, I want to Love God with all of me. I want to spend my days doing something lasting.
I want to know what it means to have Christ in me, Living and active in my life. I want to be able to ask God's opinions about things, and spend quality time with Him... not just my leftover times.

I want the world to know me my His love through me.

New Doors and New Everything.

God is doing great things. And it seems life is rushing by at a pace that I can hardly keep up with.
I'm soon to start my new job at a brand new Kohl's here in Marion. I'm looking at looking (and applying) to go to IWU for an Associates of Business degree. (this is a super cool program, where I would take one class at a time for like 24-25 months while still being able to hold down a full time job!)
I am still interviewing for another job, and had one at Clair's yesterday. It would be a fun job, even if I would have to pierce ears... :P

But the greatness of what has been happening is new doors. Having the opportunity to turn to God again and again as new things to freak out about come up. I know that He is in control, and if I will but rely upon Him and trust. Things will work out for good. I've been coming to the realization again--that even in sticky situations and rather hard times, God is working it out for good. There will come a day when I can look back and see the purpose for the pain, and say, "It was all worth it. I would do it again if I had to."

So I get up each day and set myself to trust in God. To follow after Him and do what I must. Each day is an adventure, and more often than not, I end up on the floor after a great fall. But the beautiful thing is that He is always with me. Always there, listening, waiting for my call. He is Faithful and He is good.

Another note

So... yesterday I posted, but I'm not sure any of it made sense...  I happened to be filling out applications and the like and only give it a very small part of my mind...

So --> God is good. ---> True Story.
When you Trust God ----> Life is a lot more fun and happy
Libraries are awesome.
I have two interviews, one tomorrow and one on Monday... I've very excited and have a constant something to trust God with.
It's easy to believe something when you are "safe" and secure, but it is a different story when you are throwing all your weight onto a promise with no assurances but the character of a God you have never seen ---> seems crazy, but MAN. It is cool. There is a almost ease in believing when there is No other way. I've tired to handle things on my own, but have found that it is impossibly.
So every day it is a matter of laying it all down, giving God control.
It is really cool, because even when I don't understand what is happening, I can be sure that God is with me and He has not changed. I know that He is the same yesterday, today and forever.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9DMtSaHoKKA

I keep hearing these amazing songs on the radio... and it blesses me so much.
ah, so YeAh. I'm still me, that same Hannah, but now I just have a different setting and new opportunities. Since I've been out on my own again, I've been drawing and reading more.... I'm actually getting better at my drawing and drew a pretty awesome tree the other day... :D
I've been listening to "Crazy Love" and it is so good. It really makes me stop and think more about God and His goodness... and I have been reading "The Ragamuffin Gospel" which is AmAzing. So much good stuff about Grace and what it really means.
God is just so good.
I got scared when I was thinking about moving out and looking for a job and church and all... I had been at IHOP and then in that weird in-between stage living with my family, but now I see all the thing that God has been doing in my heart. I am no longer afraid, but rather cannot wait for the adventure to really start. (that includes getting a job, finding a church and getting involved at IWU campus with the prayer movement) but it is neat to see God do little things to bless me in the day, and little things to grow me closer to Him and closer to maturity.

Amazing Grace How Sweet the Sound...

God is really amazing. And His free gift of Grace is amazing... I've been thinking about grace recently and it is CRAZY. So many things I have acknowledged with my lips, but disbelieved in my heart. Like the fact that Jesus loved me enough to die for me, and that His strength really is enough to cover and wash away my weaknesses and failings.

But little by little, I am starting to realize who this Glorious Savior is. I keep seeing Him come through for me day by day-- little thing by little things.
I have recently moved out on my own again, this time to a town in northern Indiana. It has been so cool to have the opportunity to turn my problems and worries over to God again and again.
I find freedom in letting Him have control and just doing my best right now. Of course, I slip up and take my problems back to worry about, but He is always there with open hands. Waiting for me to remember Him and realize again that I can do nothing on my own. It is a joy to love this God who is always here.

Well, I'm looking for a job... yup, it is pretty exciting. I'm so glad to work again. that probably sounds  weird, but I really love to work... Oh and I'm super excited-- IWU (Indiana Wesleyan University) which is really close to be, has started a branch of the prayer movement! I cannot wait to get involved and spend my time hanging with awesome people and sitting at the feet of Jesus.
It is pretty cool too, since I am pretty far from my old church, I have started "church looking" which is neat, to see all the different parts of the body and see where I am called to be.
I have floated around so much in my life, I am looking forward to putting down some roots and really getting involved with the community and most of all the Church.
Ah, well, I will post again soon! (esp. since I now know that the library has free wifi!) God bless you all!

Just Breathe

So far today the comment that keeps running through my head is: Just breathe, it will be okay, just breathe. And it is true, the best thing that I can do is breathe, take things one at a time, and give everything over to God. Although it is something I have learned about a million times, I continue to have to re-discover that I can do nothing on my own, but only through total reliance on God.
After a few days of hectic running around, I am almost all packed up and in the process of moving it down to the basement/into the van... and tomorrow I sign a lease. Kinda crazy how fast things are moving and changing. It is good, but again that phrase it one I keep coming back to: Just Breathe. Trust God and Breathe.
That is my motto and probably will be forever.
So often I want to stress and try to get things done... but I try in my own strength, and I fail, or complete what I was doing, but at the price of my sanity.
Again and again I will remind myself: I am going to the next step in life, and this step (all all those to come) is not something that I can accomplish on my own. I am moving in faith and relying on God.
I have tried already the living of life in a "safe way" in a way that I can meet all my needs and not risk anything. But nothing is gained. Only dread dreams and complacency.
No, I have decided in life, I am going to risk it all to follow my God, my dear Jesus that I love. I will follow His voice where ever it leads and trust His to supply for all my needs. And thankfully, God knowns my weaknesses and tendency to doubt, so I have these times of preparation--Where it is my choice if I will trust and see Him come through. He is preparing me, and I am so thankful. Thankful to have a God like Him, and thankful He does not just throw me in the deep end and leave me to my own devices. He is a loving God who is with me always, waiting for me to ask for help so that He can step in and bless my socks off. Which He does constantly!

Coolness

God is so cool, can I just say that?
Because it seems when things finally get going in live and you've got God on board... well, things go Fast and He provides so awesomely!
Yesterday everything came together for the apartment/half a house that I've been looking at. Now, all I have to do is sign the lease and I've got a new place!
It is just so cool, every other place that I've lived has been furnished and had most all the things that I would really need. And now I get to move into a place and make it from scratch! I'm super excited!
I keep seeing how God is filling my needs even as they come up. I've been needing a bed (kinda important thing to have) and just today I have one now! And it has happened like that with so much. I needed good jeans and the basics like silverware. And what happens? I find all of these jeans at Goodwill that are nice and half price! What happens next? My parents are going through the house and getting rid of extras that provide me with the basic things I will need!
It is just so cool to see God provide for me. and not just provide, but add the extra "cherry on top" like a REALLY nice rice cooker for less than 5 dollars. He is just so Good. It is so neat to be in a place where I need so much, and have so many opportunities for God to provide for me!
Trusting His is so awesome. Yes, when you follow Jesus, life is not a piece of cake. In fact it can be Super hard, but He is so worth it. And not just for the times when He provides a toaster oven--but for just Who He is. It is an honor to be loved by God and to be able to love Him return.

Wooden Heart

 A few weeks ago, I randomly came across a link to this song... and I have fallen in love with it. At first it is the strange mixture of music and poetry... but I looked up the lyrics today and have seen it in a new light. At first I was captured by the style, but did not catch too much of the message... and today I have read these beautifully crafted words and they have moved something deep inside me. I encourage you to read these lyrics and listen to the song, I hope they bless and inspire you as much as they have me. 

WOODEN HEART by Listener

We’re all born to broken people on their most honest day of living 

and since that first breath... We’ll need grace that we’ve never given 

I've been haunted by standard red devils and white ghosts 

and it's not only when these eyes are closed 

these lies are ropes that I tie down in my stomach, 

but they hold this ship together tossed like leaves in this weather 

and my dreams are sails that I point towards my true north, 

stretched thin over my rib bones, and pray that it gets better 

but it won’t won’t, at least I don’t believe it will... 

so I've built a wooden heart inside this iron ship, 

to sail these blood red seas and find your coasts. 

don’t let these waves wash away your hopes 

this war-ship is sinking, and I still believe in anchors 

pulling fist fulls of rotten wood from my heart, I still believe in saviors 

but I know that we are all made out of shipwrecks, every single board 

washed and bound like crooked teeth on these rocky shores 

so come on and let’s wash each other with tears of joy and tears of grief 

and fold our lives like crashing waves and run up on this beach 

come on and sew us together, tattered rags stained forever 

we only have what we remember 

I am the barely living son of a woman and man who barely made it 

but we’re making it taped together on borrowed crutches and new starts 

we all have the same holes in our hearts... 

everything falls apart at the exact same time 

that it all comes together perfectly for the next step 

but my fear is this prison... that I keep locked below the main deck 

I keep a key under my pillow, it’s quiet and it’s hidden 

and my hopes are weapons that I’m still learning how to use right 

but they’re heavy and I’m awkward...always running out of fight 

so I’ve carved a wooden heart, put it in this sinking ship 

hoping it would help me float for just a few more weeks 

because I am made out of shipwrecks, every twisted beam 

lost and found like you and me scattered out on the sea 

so come on let’s wash each other with tears of joy and tears of grief 

and fold our lives like crashing waves and run up on this beach 

come on and sew us together, just some tattered rags stained forever 

we only have what we remember 

My throat it still tastes like house fire and salt water 

I wear this tide like loose skin, rock me to sea 

if we hold on tight we’ll hold each other together 

and not just be some fools rushing to die in our sleep 

all these machines will rust I promise, but we'll still be electric 

shocking each other back to life 

Your hand in mine, my fingers in your veins connected 

our bones grown together inside 

our hands entwined, your fingers in my veins braided 

our spines grown stronger in time 

because are church is made out of shipwrecks 

from every hull these rocks have claimed 

but we pick ourselves up, and try and grow better through the change 

so come on yall and let’s wash each other with tears of joy and tears of grief 

and fold our lives like crashing waves and run up on this beach 

come on and sew us together, were just tattered rags stained forever 

we only have what we remember

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=K8k9rD7lx9c

Quick Update!

This is a quick update on my life... I need to sit down and write... (I have started a post so many times, but never seem to get to the Posting part of it... :)

But I am looking at moving out on my own! (again) And --God willing-- will be moving up to Marion, Indiana in a few weeks!

I'm super exited to be in a new place with new people. I plan on getting a job and looking into getting involved the prayer movement that has started up in that area! So YeAH! I've been looking for housing and getting my stuff all in order.

I'm so ready to get into the next step of my life! (Not to mention working again! YAY!) God has already been showing me His great faithfulness in looking for a place and working out the details. I am looking forward to seeing how He continues to move things in my life and heart.

Love you all and I will write again soon!

A Mason Jar of Chai and Coffee

Recently I have been seeing over and over again the importance of being who we are. It is so much easier to be what we want to be than what we are.
Life is what we made it, and we are who we are. We can choose what we do with this next moment and the moment after that--but if we let our hearts and minds be taught by God and the situations we pass through--we become who we Are and were meant to be.
At every turn there is a change to cave, to become someone else. We have options in this life.
Will I follow the voice of God, or will I listen to what I think I should be doing?
I will be content with how I am, or will I strive to love the people who are outside of my comfort zone? Will I be hurt when people don't notice me, or will I make a point to interact with those who are overlooked?
What do my actions say about who I am now, and will I take the hard road to become more of the person I want to be?
I was thinking today how easy I find it to love the people who are odd, weird and just plain strange. I love the people who scare then "normal,"and that is a great gift. But will I limit the people I love to just those who are easy to love? Even when people may think that I'm doing such a good thing (for they may have trouble loving these odd ones), but will I do the hard thing (for me) and love the normal people? Even love the preppy people?
Because the point in this life is not what people think--not of me and not of what I do.
The point is love. --> I am to Love God, and to Love people. <-- End of story
But how far am I willing to step out of my comfort zone to love?
And what is Love anyway?
so often love is portrayed as a feeling, as a warm-fuzzy, happiness and smiles all the time.
But what is Love really?
I'll tell you what love is. Love is giving of yourself when the one you love does not deserve a thing. Love is pain embraced in your life to make the life of another less painful. Love is sacrifice. Love was crucified on a cross for the love of people who spit in His face. Love is a choice, as well as a gift. Love is a reason to live, and makes a life worth living. Love is a Person.

What choices will I make today to Love? Will I allow myself to be confined by the definition of this world or of another? Or will I stand for God and Love with the Love He has given?
I guess the point of this blog is this: be you. And Love.
One more thing: you alone have very little love, I alone have very little love if any to give.
But because I have first received the Love of God, I am able to give Love.
This is a daily process. I am but a weak cracked pot--coming back to the Father to fill me up with Love so that I may love.
Every once in awhile I get it into my head that I should be able to love all by myself. I try and try to love people, but end up getting spent and angry and the very people I am trying to love. Receiving the Love of God must be a daily, moment by moment thing. Realize that He loves you.
He is not just a ATM or a slot machine, He is a living breathing Person who wants to have a relationship with you. He wants to walk this life hand in hand, listening to you and telling you wonderful things.

Life is so much more than I realize. I write these blogs as much to be a reminder to me as to tell you anything. I pray that today God will draw us closer into His heart and pour out grace upon us that we would have a relationship every moment of the day.

Changes

Changes are funny things.
It is easy to change my hair, to get a new piercing, to change the color of my hair.
These are all things that people can see and be like, "Oh you've changed."
But the Changes that really count don't often show themselves on the outside.
Some of the Changes happen in the heart and only show after a long time of living life.

On Thursday I started taking my dreadlocks out (well, my wonderful friends really did all the work) but after several hours of work, I now have "real" hair again.
And it has struck me--I have always thought that I am what I look like--that if I changed I would have to change the outside too.
I realized yesterday when I all my hair was straight again and people commented that "Oh, there is the Hannah we know!" that this is going to be the real test. For now I look like the "old" Hannah, but am different on the inside, so will I stick true to who I really am? or me tempted to be the "old" me?

I have found it easy to be "different" when I had dreadlocks-- because honestly, who looks at the girl with dreadlocks and is scandalized that she is worshiping with her arms in the air? Who looks at the girl with dreads and expects her to be anything but a radical?
But what about the girl who looks "normal?"
Will she act "normal" as well, or be true to the change inside?
(not that the outward expressions of worship and such are such changes, but will she go out of her way to love the ones who don't fit in, now that she does?)
These are the questions I'm facing.
I kinda like them to be honest. I've always liked doing the hard thing.

I have entered a new phase of life for now, still in between places and "doings" but how will I live. How will I love? God, I'm asking for the grace to be true to the changes you have done in my heart, even now, when my outsides don't reflect it like they once did.

So I guess the question I am left with is this: "How then shall I live?"
I'll spend my life answering it. <3

Found in the Attic

     Today is a day of discovery-- first in the night, while the moonlight flooded into my room--my heart was stirred and started a dialog with God. A sweet melody flowing from me to Him, not forced and not contrived, but real. Real questions, real thoughts, flowing gently.
     This morning I woke to the muffled beauty of rain on my window. I looked out and saw the vibrant green of leaves and trees who have been showered with life-giving rain, till life seeps out of every pore and drips off every branch.
    Downstairs I hear the welcome call, "If you finish the last of the coffee we can make a new pot!" My big brown mug looks so inviting as I cup it between my two outstretched hands. I welcome the warmth and happiness that coffee brings to my heart and body.
     I see that the new Josh Garrels album is out and he is giving away free downloads. Something about the music of Josh Garrels--not matter what mood I am in, his music never fails to bring me back to reality, the reality of God and that reality of life not being something to get all bent out of shape for...

     So I have the prefect day--A beautifully huge cup of coffee, music the speaks of worship that I cannot put into words, rain gently falling outside--I see the beauty of life. Pure Beauty.

     Talking with Mom this morning over the coffee pot, she told me she had a picture to show me of when she had short hair. We made the journeyed up to the attic and sat next to a box of history--looking through pictures and walking down forgotten lanes of life. My Mom found some poems that she had written, one about my cousin when he was just a baby and one about her Dad. We shared some tears and laughs. We found my birth announcement and now I feel that I share an odd connection with the past.

For several days now, I have been fascinated by the idea of the bigger picture. On Sunday it was pointed out that we often don't understand where we are in life or what the purpose of things are--but it is when we back up and see the larger picture. This was shown in the life of Joseph: as we read it, it all makes sense, but what about for Joseph as he lived his life?
I feel like I have been given a piece of the bigger picture--not only what is to come--but what has already gone by. The reassurance that God has been at work, not just in my life, but the life of my parents, my grandparents, and on and on.

    I realize that this life is not just a string of unrelated events, it is more than chance happenings--This life is a story. Beautifully crafted, and held together in the hands of God.
      Something that has almost dumbfounded me-- in my birth announcement there was this scripture: Delight thyself also in the Lord and He shall give thee the desires (longings) of thine heart. --Psalm 37:4

     When I saw that, it was like a flash of lightning--a thread of light that wove together my past and my present. It may seem like a little thing, but it has moved me greatly. Psalm 37, and in particular, this verse, has been showing up in my life this entire year. I cannot tell you how many times I have been given a note with these verses on it, how many times I felt lead to this passage of scripture... And now, to see how God has had His hand on my life, even before I realized, even before I knew. He has been there for me. He has been helping shape and mold the story of my life. Once again, I see the faithfulness of this God I love, this God who loves me. He who has loved me since the beginning, since before the beginning. He has promised to always be with me, to never leave or forsake. He walks with life with me, step by step. He beckons me to let go of my white-knuckle grip on this world and the illusion of control, He beckons me to let Go. And today I commit again and in the same breath ask for grace. I desire to follow this God who cares and who holds me heart so tenderly.

Reality, Masks, and... well... coffee!

Story

Funny thing about me, which will probably explain a lot of these notes... is that as I said before.. when I cannot talk something out, I write it out... and for some odd reason when I just write to myself I don't get as much thinking done as I do when I write here... maybe it is the possibility that someone else will read this so it gets me out of the four walls of my mind
The quote I was talking about earlier is this:


I wanted it to be an easy story. But nobody really remembers easy stories. Characters have to face their greatest fears with courage. That's what makes a story good. If you think about the stories you like most, they probably have lots of conflict. There is probably death at stake, inner death or actual death, you know. These polar charges, these happy and sad things in life, are like colors God uses to draw the world.
I was watching the news the other night, and they were still covering the story in Mumbai about the terrorists who went on a shooting rampage. The man on the news said that before the terrorist killed the Jews in the Jewish center, they tortured them. I had to turn off the television, because I could see the torture in my head the way they were describing it. I kept imagining these people, just living their daily lives, and then having them suddenly ended in unjust tragedy. When we watch the news, we grieve all of this, but when we go to the movies, we want more of it. Somehow we realize the great stories are told in conflict, but are unwilling to embrace the potential greatness of the story we are actually in. We think God is unjust, rather than a master storyteller.
-Donald Miller, A Million Miles In A Thousand Years


As the story goes on... Don find himself faced with the question of what his own life story is... and I am asking the same question.
One of the other great things is the definition of a story as "A character who wants something and overcomes conflict to get it."
So again the question--what is my story? What do I really want? What are the desires that fuel my life? That propel my story?
I would love to be able to give some nice pat answer about what I want... but when I stare deep into my heart... I'm not sure what I see. I know the answers I would like to give, but what would be the point? I don't want to fool someone or even fool myself. It is weird when you want to be totally and brutally honest with yourself.. it seems almost "unnatural"--don't we all spend most of our days fooling others and ourself--to present ourselves as this or that?


I'm naming my own worst enemy. Myself. And how I long for people to perceive me in this manner or that... I have recently started to realize the extent that I change who I am depending on who I am around and what I perceive them to want/need of me, or simply what I feel more comfortable with...
And yeah. Thank is what I'm dealing with most of the time... to find out what it means to just be ME.

Here it is again...

I think I've written about it here before, but again the subject of walking by Faith and not sight has come up like 3 times today (which is saying something, seeing as it is only 11:30)... Also, I was rereading some of my old notes on my computer (when I cannot verbally process, I end up writing it down) and saw that this subject of Faith, what it is, how it live by it, and etc. has been on my mind and heart strongly since January. For almost 6 months now, I have been running into this topic everywhere I turn.
I think that is significant. 


Again and again, my mind scrambles when I touch this issue-- How can I be better? how can I do this "faith" thing? What hoops to I have to jump through to measure up on the "faith scale"? and so forth...
And again and again I have been brought back to the ultimate
Faith = Trust in God
...this does not sit too well with me... because Trust is another thing that I have not been able to rally together and create in myself. So often I wish that live was simple... and I guess that some parts of me wish that God was more complicated... that I would be able to meet the list of requirements and be "good enough." But that is just the thing.
It my head I know that that is the way things were--and no one was good enough. (for crying out loud, I'm reading Romans and seeing so clearly how None of us can 'measure up' for we have all fallen short and the law was in place, not to bring perfection, but rather show us the need for someone to step in.)
But at the same time... my heart wants to not accept the free gift and make it on my "own" goodness...


So often I forget who God is... I return to my old perception of Him where He is a demanding perfectionist who wants me to get everything right and never mess up...
But again I am reminded that He is a God who desires relationship--which comes through journey. A relationship where trust is earned and scrapes happen, but I can always run back to Him and He will gladly take me back... 
If I had the "list-god" I so desire, than I could no longer have the Loving Caring God who wants to journey with me. Who wants my weak and imperfect love... I am so grateful for this God, but often wish that things were easy and took no time...
Forgetting that "easy" does not make for a good life, or an exciting story. I love how Donald Miller puts it... and I seemly have not marked that quote in this book... (someday if I find it, I'll write it down properly...) but the gist is that we like stories that have conflict and hardship, where the person has to overcome great tragedy and pain to become something quite beautiful... and how in life, we want things to be flat line and simple... and when hardship comes our way, we cry out to God and ask Him where He has gone and why these horrible things are happening.. not imagining that God is the most skillful story-crafter in the universe... That life looks more like a story then we imagine and how real life and the stories that stir our souls are those with hardship that must be overcome...
And I'm not sure why it come to mind or why I wrote it down... but I guess that is the point of having a blog, to have somewhere to write my random thoughts and musings... I hope that it is interesting to read, because it is a great relief to write it down.

Random thoughts about Stuff

I have not written in awhile, but today things seem clearer than they have in a seemingly long time.
It is still an adventure not being at IHOP and not being in that bubble of community and routine--and that awesome connection that you have with everyone around... because they're pretty much Jesus Freaks too...


But yeah. Since I've been home, I'm tried being perfect, and well, that did not work out so well for me. So then I tried just living, and that has not worked out so well either... Even emerging myself in books, movies, music, and just living day to day life, I still have that hole in me that can only be satisfied by God.
I've tried my best to get along without Him again, but have realized my need--and am starting to be okay with the fact that I cannot make it without Him. It makes me think about when I was working at the Red Gold factory... I had been saved for a couple months, but was so confused by life and all the craziness that was going down, that I ended up getting a taste of what it is like to just "live" and it was horrible. I woke up, got ready for work, worked from 8 to 12 hours, came home, watched TV, went to bed, and was filled with this hollow feeling of "why even bother." It was a time when I finally understood what all the country songs were talking about when they talk about the weekend and getting off work--where you try in your free time to forget, try to find meaning... but always end up back at the pointless work on Monday morning...


wow, that sounded really heavy, but I guess it is rather a heavy thing that I have realized. It is a true saying, "There is no one more miserable than a compromising Christian...and I forget the exact wording, but to the effect that you have seen enough of God that you cannot be fully happy without Him, but are still longing for the things of this world... and I feel like that is a common state for Christians, for me. And I'm not just talking about what some would label as "big sin" (which does not exist by the wayside...) but about even the lack of pursuing God. For that is where I have found myself.


Something one of my friend recently told me, and it really struck a cord-- sin is not just some list of do's and don'ts, but why sin is such a big deal: Sin is separation from God. Sin is all the same to Him, so it is silly when we try to classify it so we can feel "better" about our "little sin" compared to what THey did... if it was just a lie, hatred in the heart, or murdering someone, they all separate us from God. And that is a big deal.
I look at where I am and I feel I have made the first step--to realize where I am, and that I don't want to stay here.
Oh something funny (I'll work it in I promise) so yesterday I went walking after church and got hurt. It was the silliest thing... I stepped off a log wrong and did something to my right ankle. I sat down and felt better and did not think a thing about it. Till that night... when it started throbbing and I ended up not . really being able to walk... and fun stuff like that. But what is funny is how it got highlighted in my heart about how I need help. Not just right now, but always, in everything. I so badly want to be a perfect person who can do it all and help everyone... but when it comes to needing help or having to ask for help, well, you see, it's just not done... And it struck me. That is not how the Body works, that is not how I'm supposed to be as a Christian, it is a giving to those around and help those around, but also accepting help and being real about needing help. We are all to work together, caring for each other, loving everyone as God loves Christ (which is something that can only be done with Him help...) but it is cool.
I feel sometimes even as Christians we have this idea that we gotta make it with just us and God, and there are times where that is the case, but that is the exception more than the rule. We are to make it with other people, to journey with other people, not just be a plastic mask of perfection when on the inside you have fears and problems like everyone else. I guess I'm finally realizing that dependance is a good thing, first on God, but then on others, that we have been called to live in community of faith. To love, to give it, to receive it, to live it

Picture of Freedom

I have this picture stuck in my head... I can see it so clearly I may even try to draw it... It is a black and white picture. Of a girl dancing, dancing freely... If I end up drawing anything close to it I'll post it...


It has been a long time since I have last written, and be assured, it is not because nothing interesting has been happening. On the contrary, things have been moving quite fast and it is almost hard to keep track of all that God has been teaching me... except He has basically been teaching me one thing, but from many different angles and perspectives... 


I have been learning about freedom and being me. Finding the freedom to be me, the who I am deep down inside, being that person on the outside. I wish that I had better words to say all that I wish to...
I have just been realizing how I have (and I believe we all do) put myself in little boxes and decided that only if I fit perfectly into what I think I should be like or what other expect me to be like will I be happy or be me... but I find that as I try and fail to be neatly contained in these boxes--I don't find freedom, I find self-inflicted bondage. 
Oh, I'm so tired of chaining myself to what people think... to what I think I should measure up to... I do badly want to be me--to be free to be me. And I want this so bad for you-- I want you to be free to be you. To love and live the way you were made too.... I am not interested in what you can give or what you think I want you to be.... You are beautifully made to be you, and when you are you--it is beautiful and moving and you are just what you need to be.


I long for freedom, but not just for me. My heart cries out to see you free. I look around and I see so many beautiful people twisted with pain and hopelessness because they don't fit into the boxes... they lament and wish they were different and "normal"--but I see the beauty of who you are.
The most I look around, the more I have been seeing with God's eyes... seeing people as beautiful just the way they are. Hear what I am saying--
You are beautiful the way God made you. He enjoys you just as you are. When you look to God and give Him all the broken pieces of your heart... He is the Healer of broken hearts, He can make all things new. 


I guess what I have been finding out, is that there is freedom when you look to God to find out who you are. I have started to see that when I turn to Him and dance before Him--forgetting the watching eyes of those around me--I am able to dance with abandon. I able to stop caring if I look like a fool or if my form is correct. I can let my dreadlocks down and dance like a little kid before her Father. Knowing that I am delighted in. 
There is such a feeling of freedom when you "chuck it all" and let go. When you come before God with only a broken heart and weak and foolish love. And He just smiles and like the warmth of the sun, the pleasure He feels radiates down on my heart. True freedom. 
The picture of a girl dancing her heart out, eyes closed to the world and heart alive.
Dancing in the freedom of being herself. Finding joy in the opinion of the only One who matters.

French Press Coffee and Open Eyes

I'm learning how to make french press coffee, and all the other times I've made it it has come out too watery and weak..... so I went for it again, and well... it is eye opening. And Good. (that WHAAAAAohmygoodnessNowI'mawake-kinda good) Which is very fitting for today is the first day that my eyes have been open in other ways as well.

I wrote a long version of my eyes being opened, but it is long, rambling, and slightly more poetical then I like to post on the internet... ;) But this is the point.

It is so easy to live for the here and now--
To get caught up in what is expected
To worry more about what I will eat and what I will drink
To get hopeless because I have trouble seeing hope for tomorrow
To keep my eyes on the things around me
To keep my eyes fixed on me and my problems

BUT THAT"S NOT WHAT ITS ABOUT.
THERE IS MORE TO THIS LIFE

And that is what I remembered.
There is more than me
And no matter how I logically reason
when I fix my eyes on myself and what I "should be" I will not find hope.
I will find all I need when I fix my eyes on Jesus and do what it takes to live for Him.

And it is not some formula. I've tried and tried to figure out how to be perfect and be a better person for Him--but the truth is--HE LOVES ME. HE LIKES ME.
I've just got to be me, and keep my eyes on Him.
I realized today that I have even been trying to fit into what I perceive people's expectations to be... even in Christian circles--everywhere. Somehow I feel that I have to be more than I am.

But really get this. --I am speaking to me just as much as I am speaking to you--
God created the church, the body of believers
And each person was created differently with different weaknesses and strengths
Each to work together to make One whole body with Christ as the head
So what happens if one part tries to be another part, for the eye to be just like the nose...
things don't go well.
We need people to be different.
We MUST be different.

Ah, even as I typed that it felt so elementary--But IT IS REAL. And for the first time I think I know that with my heart and not just my head. I need to be me so I can serve God and serve the Body of Christ.

And can I just say this-- different is not something that is like the Other different people. Yes, I came back from IHOP with dreadlocks, I more around a bit more in worship and I tend to sing really loudly... but I don't need to try and be an IHOPer or be that crazy person in worship--I just need to be me and move as Holy Spirit leads.
I don't know how much of what I am saying makes sense--but really. When I say it is Okay and AWESOME to be different. I mean different, not just some other brand of "normal" that I have okayed, like really.
BE YOU. WE NEED YOU TO BE YOU.
You were made perfectly.
So be who you are and love God.
Love people and let's learn to enjoy each other, let's learn how to enjoy US as God made us.

Storm clouds coming

Hold My Heart by Tenth Avenue North


How long must I pray, must I pray to You?
How long must I wait, must I wait for You?
How long 'til I see Your face, see You shining through?
I'm on my knees, begging You to notice me.
I'm on my knees, Father will You turn to me?

One tear in the driving rain,
One voice in a sea of pain
Could the maker of the stars
Hear the sound of my breaking heart?
One life, that's all I am
Right now I can barely stand
If You're everything You say You are
Would You come close and hold my heart


I've been so afraid, afraid to close my eyes
So much can slip away before I say goodbye.
But if there's no other way, I'm done asking why.
I'm on my knees, begging You to turn to me
I'm on my knees, Father will You run to me?

One tear in the driving rain,
One voice in a sea of pain
Could the maker of the stars
Hear the sound of my breaking heart?
One life, that's all I am
Right now I can barely stand
If You're everything You say You are
Would You come close and hold my heart.

So many questions without answers, Your promises remain
I can't see but I'll take my chances to hear You call my name
To hear You call my name

One tear in the driving rain,
One voice in a sea of pain
Could the maker of the stars
Hear the sound of my breaking heart?
One life, that's all I am
Right now I can barely stand
If You're everything You say You are
Won't You come close and hold my heart.


Hold my heart, could you hold my heart?
Hold my heart


The sky is gray and the clouds are gathering, but there is hope. There is One who hears the cries in the night and the desperate longing and yearning of bruised and broken hearts.
"If you feel lost and tried... this is your song..." I don't quite know of more words that are fitting, but that there is beauty and hope at the end of yourself.
I know for I am constantly living at the end of myself... and I find Hope that does not come from me, Strength that is given me, and the eyes to see beauty in weakness and a plan in the broken mess all around.
I feel like a string of cliches and song lyrics--but that is not necessarily a bad thing-- for the storm is coming, the storm is here raging inside my heart...
...and the question is. Will I batten down the hatches and try to hold on for dear life? or will I throw all the windows and doors of my heart open and dance in the wild wind and rain?
That is the real question.
Rain come, come and show me anew the choice for today.

Thoughts

so... today has been an interesting day, full of lessons that will teach if I will but listen and learn...
I've been rambling around all day, feeling kinda sick and feeling the void of having no job... nothing demanded of me. I spent the day almost alone with me... which is always a learning experience.

I had a small Light-bulb-moment just a bit ago--and if nothing else--I believe this could be reason enough for the disquietude I have felt today.
-> I realized, or rather remembered, something about ME. 'cause what is natural for Hannah after a day of doing not too much, when faced with the prospect of walking the dog? why you dress up of course!
Yup, cut off jean shorts, black tank, lacy-drapie-thing, dreads up in scarf, tall socks and combat boots...
because when I am me--I dress up, I like to become this or that, but the real me is not in any of them.
The real me is something more than that.
I used to think that as I formed myself into different molds and patterns, that I was finding out who I really was--but the truth is, that I am me. I once compared myself to a chameleon--not in such a good way then, but I think it has some truth to it--I am able to become and fit in where I need to.

This is a blessing, for I believe in my lifetime I will be sent to many different people groups. And when I do, I can blend where I need to.
But there is hard that comes with the good-- for it is easy for me to blend and take "refuge" in a persona that is not myself. I could fall into the trap of defining myself from those around me or how I look at the moment--and as that is easily changed it could cause much confusion as to who I am.
Both of these have happened in my life, and I think to some degree still do.

Coming back to the mid-west with dreadlocks was a statement. The hippy persona that I love so much is not truly truly who I am--but one that reminds me that I am different from the inside. That I am not the same person who left last October. That I indeed encountered a Man named Jesus. That it was not all some lovely dream, but was in fact--reality.
But I still have much growing to do. Much discovering about who I am to do...
Although I have come to this end--I like to dress up, I like to be one thing and then another--and that is okay. As long as I am rooted and grounded in who I am before God.
So don't freak out the next time you see me and I'm all dressed crazy! :P

While my tea steeps

While my tea is steeping I feel inclined to write and think deep thoughts...

so we'll see how that goes! ;)

A few days ago I was talking with a friend and something clicked... I see some many people I love, so many Christians beaten down and loosing heart because life has just been that rough...

And I realized what a big thing that is today, how many people I know of, and how many Christians at large are separated by lies.

It is like the Church--the Body of Christ--was made to be all together and all these different parts working as one. But what it looks like is not a body, but a waffle! (man, I am alittle crazy today!) but its true, people have made (for protection) or have been trapped in these little boxes and feel so alone. --But the truth is this--there are people all around them in the same condition. If only we could see the lies and break them down, if only we could be free and care openly for one another...

It sounds so much like an idealistic dream, but this is not the end. Things are not going to remain like this. Even the very fact of people starting to see what is really going on is a tip off to the changing times...

I just pray that they change soon. That I will be able to step up and do what I can in my sphere of influence and others will be doing the same.

But this is not the end. He is taking us higher and deeper, He beckons for us to come closer, to see more, to be more like Him--will we come away with Him? Into the unknown and out to run with Him even over the mountains of our fears? Will we answer the call?

-it is cool, I think this is less like THE call and if you miss it, well, you missed it... but it is the daily "yes, I will follow you today." The constant choice to follow Him, for when we follow His perfect leadership, we are with Him, running towards the same thing.

His leadership is perfect. 

He holds me in His hand, and His grace is leading me home.

When all seems lost and at a end, He is faithful to bring life from the ashes and restoration to my soul.

He knows better how my life should go.

He know and cares for those I love.

I can do nothing without it.

And He is worthy of my life.

Though I wonder why I am here in life,

He is faithful and is worthy of all I can give.

Funny, this was not what the post was going to be about, and my tea has since steeped (and I'm drinking it! Yay for holiday chai!) But I think this is what the post is really All about...

How to step out of the box, how to follow God every step of the way. Giving Him those small but So hard yeses... because of who He is. Because of His Love. Because I know in my heart that He has a plan and the plan is worthwhile. It is perfect. I may not understand, but I know the heart of the One who holds me and leads me. And He has nothing but good in mind.

God give us the courage to step out in love, and love those around us.

For I believe the change of the Body of Christ from waffle to functioning Ekklesia (the greek word for Church) is by love.

By stepping out and loving those around you. Around me. Those who are having a hard time and need someone, those who feel alone or separate.

So often it is easier to "raise awareness" and promote a cause but never actually do anything. And this blog post is really nothing, but what counts is if I go out and live my life in a way that shows others Love and the heart of Christ. Even in the church.

I find it so much easier to love the random druggie person than those at Church sometimes... most times.. and that is not good. I need to remember that the Church is really a group of wounded and broken people who have become captivated and lovesick for a Beautiful and Holy God. And yes we try and most of us wear the masks of perfectionism, we are still human and need grace and mercy...

And that is okay. God likes weak people--which makes my heart leap with joy and question all at the same time--but it is okay.

Just keep loving.

Everyone

and day by day

trust God and follow where He leads

to who He leads too

and Love them. 

Rainy days and New/Old books

Again, this post may be a bit of a ramble... It has been storming all day and I stayed up late reading a new-to-me-old-book that I found on the top shelf while dusting... And it was really good. Definitely God-timeing that I found this book... It was about a guy who had been deeply involved in the occult, but that was not the real story, the real story was the journey that his heart made through his life--and when he found Jesus and true life. The cool thing, is that the story did not end there--it went through his learning to trust God and how to life out Christian life and how it differed from living for satan.

And it has really struck a cord with me... I have been seeing more and more how I want to "work" for what Jesus gave so freely, how I long to accept the free gift, but then be perfect to prove to God that I was really worth it after all. It also makes me happy/drives me crazy how God talks to me the way that is so suited to Me... also the fact that He knows what is best... and like a good Father He gives me what I need, and gets me where I need to go... which is not often what I think I need or where I want to go... which is always interesting...

Time just keeps rushing by and I'm wondering what to do half the time... there are so many things that I could be doing, so much that I should be doing, but what Am I doing?
Well, it seems that we are working on my patience and my trusting.... and that feels like a lot... but then again, everything feels like alot today... I don't think it is just the weather, I think the weather brings out different things that are already in my heart... Yesterday with the sun up and shining it was easy to get up and get things done... now I am here and wonder if I could just go back to sleep.... or something...

This is not meant to be a 'downer' note, for God has been doing beautiful things in my life. He has been teaching my heart to love better and is connecting many pieces to the puzzle... (some which I'm still trying to puzzle out... :)
He is faithful. His leadership is perfect. and crazy of all crazies, He enjoys the journey and the process that I call life and painful... :P

Time for a Ramble...

So I thought it was about time for a ramble...
My goodness, where to start... God is good. (that is always a good place to start) I am seeing more and more how important He is, and how it does take that little "yes" when the opportunity comes to do what I'm doing or go spend time with Him. I'm not going to lie--I've not been very good at it since I came home--but I'm learning. Learning to say those little yes's of skipping out on the movie or getting off facebook to really spend time at the feet of Jesus, and digging into the word. It is just like everyone always said, I just never quite understood, as seasons change so your relationship and time changes as well--when I first came home I wanted to still spend my 6 hours in the prayer room, but I have realized that I need to actually see what this new season is, and what my plan should be based of that and not what it once was.

yup, I said this was going to be a ramble... :D I was sitting outside earlier and it is just beautiful--so warm and sunny. I think I may have even managed to get a slight burn! (but we'll see for sure tomorrow) But I think I'm starting to loose my Nightwatch-paleness, or at least that is the goal!
And as I was sitting in the sun reading, I realized that I love my dreads alot, and I they feel really cool in the sun--'cause with normal hair you get hot and it gets sweaty and stringy, but with dreads they keep cool, and when I wore them down they protected by shoulders from the heat of the sun! No wonder more people in CA have dreads! They are just so happy, I'm really glad I got them...

I am just struck by the goodness and reality of God. He is so good. It is so easy to start living life and forget what it's all about. Suddenly I start worrying about where my job will be and if anyone in Indiana will really hire someone with dreadlocks... I start analyzing life and get so focused on the here and now, that I forget about the Reality that I was living for. In a moment I can slip away, and live off in my own little world created of dirt and plans.... but something or someone always comes along to remind me of REALITY.
Then just like the song, glory eclipses afflictions and worry of the present... I realize who He is... and how when I learn to invite Him into my life I win. If all I do today or tomorrow is cry: "Jesus, I love you, HELP!" Then I have won, when I take those little things He gives me to make me smile and look up to Him and say, "Thank you" it moves His heart... Man, think about it. Everything I do is in the sight of God, and when I look up and acknowledge Him... it stirs His heart with pleasure... and how silly to try and "grin and bear it" when He is right there, waiting for me to ask His help... He is so good. He has made life such a blessing for all of us to enjoy and to find Him through it... yet, I am caught up in so many things of this life, trying and striving to earn what has been given me...

Oh I love it, God is so cool. And frustrating sometimes... He like the weak ways, He likes dependance and likes things that seem foolish. Which is really good after all, for I am weak, I am totally a dependent and unable to do anything on my own, and I can be pretty foolish...
But yet, sometimes it offends me when I ask God, "How can I love you today? How can I follow you closer today?" and the answer is something little--like asking for help or not doing a simple thing like waste too much time reading pointless fiction (that is not a jab, but one of my weaknesses)... but I am committing myself and asking for GRACE.
But He is so good, He is so faithful.
I am endeavoring to find out who He is... I was at Living Waters last week and the word that was shared was about having faith--and misplaced faith. Faith comes from knowing the One who is faithful, so to grow in faith one must grow in the knowledge of the One who promised--grow in the knowledge of God. It is crazy and awesome... YeAh! God is good. Time to set my face and seek out the only One who is worth living for! He is so good! His leadership is perfect! And His love and mercy unfailing!