Thoughts

so... today has been an interesting day, full of lessons that will teach if I will but listen and learn...
I've been rambling around all day, feeling kinda sick and feeling the void of having no job... nothing demanded of me. I spent the day almost alone with me... which is always a learning experience.

I had a small Light-bulb-moment just a bit ago--and if nothing else--I believe this could be reason enough for the disquietude I have felt today.
-> I realized, or rather remembered, something about ME. 'cause what is natural for Hannah after a day of doing not too much, when faced with the prospect of walking the dog? why you dress up of course!
Yup, cut off jean shorts, black tank, lacy-drapie-thing, dreads up in scarf, tall socks and combat boots...
because when I am me--I dress up, I like to become this or that, but the real me is not in any of them.
The real me is something more than that.
I used to think that as I formed myself into different molds and patterns, that I was finding out who I really was--but the truth is, that I am me. I once compared myself to a chameleon--not in such a good way then, but I think it has some truth to it--I am able to become and fit in where I need to.

This is a blessing, for I believe in my lifetime I will be sent to many different people groups. And when I do, I can blend where I need to.
But there is hard that comes with the good-- for it is easy for me to blend and take "refuge" in a persona that is not myself. I could fall into the trap of defining myself from those around me or how I look at the moment--and as that is easily changed it could cause much confusion as to who I am.
Both of these have happened in my life, and I think to some degree still do.

Coming back to the mid-west with dreadlocks was a statement. The hippy persona that I love so much is not truly truly who I am--but one that reminds me that I am different from the inside. That I am not the same person who left last October. That I indeed encountered a Man named Jesus. That it was not all some lovely dream, but was in fact--reality.
But I still have much growing to do. Much discovering about who I am to do...
Although I have come to this end--I like to dress up, I like to be one thing and then another--and that is okay. As long as I am rooted and grounded in who I am before God.
So don't freak out the next time you see me and I'm all dressed crazy! :P