Story

Funny thing about me, which will probably explain a lot of these notes... is that as I said before.. when I cannot talk something out, I write it out... and for some odd reason when I just write to myself I don't get as much thinking done as I do when I write here... maybe it is the possibility that someone else will read this so it gets me out of the four walls of my mind
The quote I was talking about earlier is this:


I wanted it to be an easy story. But nobody really remembers easy stories. Characters have to face their greatest fears with courage. That's what makes a story good. If you think about the stories you like most, they probably have lots of conflict. There is probably death at stake, inner death or actual death, you know. These polar charges, these happy and sad things in life, are like colors God uses to draw the world.
I was watching the news the other night, and they were still covering the story in Mumbai about the terrorists who went on a shooting rampage. The man on the news said that before the terrorist killed the Jews in the Jewish center, they tortured them. I had to turn off the television, because I could see the torture in my head the way they were describing it. I kept imagining these people, just living their daily lives, and then having them suddenly ended in unjust tragedy. When we watch the news, we grieve all of this, but when we go to the movies, we want more of it. Somehow we realize the great stories are told in conflict, but are unwilling to embrace the potential greatness of the story we are actually in. We think God is unjust, rather than a master storyteller.
-Donald Miller, A Million Miles In A Thousand Years


As the story goes on... Don find himself faced with the question of what his own life story is... and I am asking the same question.
One of the other great things is the definition of a story as "A character who wants something and overcomes conflict to get it."
So again the question--what is my story? What do I really want? What are the desires that fuel my life? That propel my story?
I would love to be able to give some nice pat answer about what I want... but when I stare deep into my heart... I'm not sure what I see. I know the answers I would like to give, but what would be the point? I don't want to fool someone or even fool myself. It is weird when you want to be totally and brutally honest with yourself.. it seems almost "unnatural"--don't we all spend most of our days fooling others and ourself--to present ourselves as this or that?


I'm naming my own worst enemy. Myself. And how I long for people to perceive me in this manner or that... I have recently started to realize the extent that I change who I am depending on who I am around and what I perceive them to want/need of me, or simply what I feel more comfortable with...
And yeah. Thank is what I'm dealing with most of the time... to find out what it means to just be ME.