Here it is again...

I think I've written about it here before, but again the subject of walking by Faith and not sight has come up like 3 times today (which is saying something, seeing as it is only 11:30)... Also, I was rereading some of my old notes on my computer (when I cannot verbally process, I end up writing it down) and saw that this subject of Faith, what it is, how it live by it, and etc. has been on my mind and heart strongly since January. For almost 6 months now, I have been running into this topic everywhere I turn.
I think that is significant. 


Again and again, my mind scrambles when I touch this issue-- How can I be better? how can I do this "faith" thing? What hoops to I have to jump through to measure up on the "faith scale"? and so forth...
And again and again I have been brought back to the ultimate
Faith = Trust in God
...this does not sit too well with me... because Trust is another thing that I have not been able to rally together and create in myself. So often I wish that live was simple... and I guess that some parts of me wish that God was more complicated... that I would be able to meet the list of requirements and be "good enough." But that is just the thing.
It my head I know that that is the way things were--and no one was good enough. (for crying out loud, I'm reading Romans and seeing so clearly how None of us can 'measure up' for we have all fallen short and the law was in place, not to bring perfection, but rather show us the need for someone to step in.)
But at the same time... my heart wants to not accept the free gift and make it on my "own" goodness...


So often I forget who God is... I return to my old perception of Him where He is a demanding perfectionist who wants me to get everything right and never mess up...
But again I am reminded that He is a God who desires relationship--which comes through journey. A relationship where trust is earned and scrapes happen, but I can always run back to Him and He will gladly take me back... 
If I had the "list-god" I so desire, than I could no longer have the Loving Caring God who wants to journey with me. Who wants my weak and imperfect love... I am so grateful for this God, but often wish that things were easy and took no time...
Forgetting that "easy" does not make for a good life, or an exciting story. I love how Donald Miller puts it... and I seemly have not marked that quote in this book... (someday if I find it, I'll write it down properly...) but the gist is that we like stories that have conflict and hardship, where the person has to overcome great tragedy and pain to become something quite beautiful... and how in life, we want things to be flat line and simple... and when hardship comes our way, we cry out to God and ask Him where He has gone and why these horrible things are happening.. not imagining that God is the most skillful story-crafter in the universe... That life looks more like a story then we imagine and how real life and the stories that stir our souls are those with hardship that must be overcome...
And I'm not sure why it come to mind or why I wrote it down... but I guess that is the point of having a blog, to have somewhere to write my random thoughts and musings... I hope that it is interesting to read, because it is a great relief to write it down.