Heeheehee.. I get a kick of out making weird titles :D
I was just thinking... I really hate not having a fixed schedule and I think I figured out why. When I have a schedule, I know what's coming in the day ahead and from the moment I get out of bed I have a pretty good idea of what will be asked of me and what I will need to be prepared.
I can get up and "dress for the day" not only if I'm going to be needing to wear pants or can get away with a skirt... but what kind of 'mood' my day and place will call for... and dress to match. Is it a hippy dress/toms/dreads down kinda day? or skinny jeans/chucks/man shirt/lots metal day? ...you get the drift...
But on days like today, where I have no idea what is coming or what will be asked of me to do... I am left without a "persona" to take on, so it comes down to reality or at least as close as I've found.
So I struggle with becoming different versions of me... I was talking with a good friend of mine about this problem and I was venting my frustration as to figure out which "me" was really Me. And she said something quite profound (at least to me and where I am in life right now) this is what she said: "It is not so much which me is the real me, as it is the glue that holds them altogether."
This intrigues me so much. For why this problem about "false-selves" bothers me so much... Is that I cannot tell what is really Me. False-selves start on the inside and only later manifest on the outside--which is as much as saying--I started off fooling myself and it has just happened to start touching others. I think for ever one false self I have that comes out with this person or that, I have about three false-selves on the inside.
so why did this come up today? Because I have not set place to be. I feel like life got picked up and set down sideways. A combination of the storms last night and reading that Donald Miller book... I am getting forced out of my complacency and prompted to make things change.
And what has triggered all of this today, is since I have no idea what is coming down the line today, I woke up and postponed getting out of bed as long as I could. For upon arising and stepping foot into the "real world" I have to decide who I will become today. How will I dress? and who will I be?
and the question that I cannot seem to queltch: Who am I? What is the glue that holds it 'me' altogether, and how can I become that person all the time?
And coffee. Just because it's awesome. And I guess coffee is something that changes with what the day holds too.... but it more flexible and it makes me happy, so I give it a lot of "air time" here.
Even the little babies do better day to day with a schedule! They fuss and cry if things are not in order. God made us (and all of creation!) so decently and with order, it makes sense that we run better with order! Not that flexibility is bad, but I've been learning how to arrange my life and my time so as to spend as much time with Him as possible. It really can be work to fit the me and God time in when so many other things are screaming at me to get to them. (as in bathing, getting dressed, vacuuming for the first time in 3 weeks...) But who I am is who He made me to be in Christ, so I want to spend as much time as I can getting to know who that is better. Aaaah seester, I love you so! I really like reading your blog and seeing what you are up to in that sweet and wonderful head and heart of yours. I miss you and am so excited to be with you soon and get to encourage each other and just enjoy each other! You certainly are wonderful, I love all the many "outsides" of Hannah (skinny jeans, baggy jeans, skirts, or whatever else catches your fancy), but I really love the "insides" (your heart for God and to build a relationship with Him and grow in living in the liberty we've been called to). kisses!!
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