I have not written in awhile, but today things seem clearer than they have in a seemingly long time.
It is still an adventure not being at IHOP and not being in that bubble of community and routine--and that awesome connection that you have with everyone around... because they're pretty much Jesus Freaks too...
But yeah. Since I've been home, I'm tried being perfect, and well, that did not work out so well for me. So then I tried just living, and that has not worked out so well either... Even emerging myself in books, movies, music, and just living day to day life, I still have that hole in me that can only be satisfied by God.
I've tried my best to get along without Him again, but have realized my need--and am starting to be okay with the fact that I cannot make it without Him. It makes me think about when I was working at the Red Gold factory... I had been saved for a couple months, but was so confused by life and all the craziness that was going down, that I ended up getting a taste of what it is like to just "live" and it was horrible. I woke up, got ready for work, worked from 8 to 12 hours, came home, watched TV, went to bed, and was filled with this hollow feeling of "why even bother." It was a time when I finally understood what all the country songs were talking about when they talk about the weekend and getting off work--where you try in your free time to forget, try to find meaning... but always end up back at the pointless work on Monday morning...
wow, that sounded really heavy, but I guess it is rather a heavy thing that I have realized. It is a true saying, "There is no one more miserable than a compromising Christian...and I forget the exact wording, but to the effect that you have seen enough of God that you cannot be fully happy without Him, but are still longing for the things of this world... and I feel like that is a common state for Christians, for me. And I'm not just talking about what some would label as "big sin" (which does not exist by the wayside...) but about even the lack of pursuing God. For that is where I have found myself.
Something one of my friend recently told me, and it really struck a cord-- sin is not just some list of do's and don'ts, but why sin is such a big deal: Sin is separation from God. Sin is all the same to Him, so it is silly when we try to classify it so we can feel "better" about our "little sin" compared to what THey did... if it was just a lie, hatred in the heart, or murdering someone, they all separate us from God. And that is a big deal.
I look at where I am and I feel I have made the first step--to realize where I am, and that I don't want to stay here.
Oh something funny (I'll work it in I promise) so yesterday I went walking after church and got hurt. It was the silliest thing... I stepped off a log wrong and did something to my right ankle. I sat down and felt better and did not think a thing about it. Till that night... when it started throbbing and I ended up not . really being able to walk... and fun stuff like that. But what is funny is how it got highlighted in my heart about how I need help. Not just right now, but always, in everything. I so badly want to be a perfect person who can do it all and help everyone... but when it comes to needing help or having to ask for help, well, you see, it's just not done... And it struck me. That is not how the Body works, that is not how I'm supposed to be as a Christian, it is a giving to those around and help those around, but also accepting help and being real about needing help. We are all to work together, caring for each other, loving everyone as God loves Christ (which is something that can only be done with Him help...) but it is cool.
I feel sometimes even as Christians we have this idea that we gotta make it with just us and God, and there are times where that is the case, but that is the exception more than the rule. We are to make it with other people, to journey with other people, not just be a plastic mask of perfection when on the inside you have fears and problems like everyone else. I guess I'm finally realizing that dependance is a good thing, first on God, but then on others, that we have been called to live in community of faith. To love, to give it, to receive it, to live it
I've so been realizing that myself!! It's so much easier to say No Thanks and try to do it all on your own than to allow someone else to help or to give to you sometimes. But that's so silly! They get the joy of serving and you get the joy of being given to, and then you are so much more prepared to give and serve! God is so much smarter than our little pea brains, I'm so thankful! Now that I tend to have my hands full pretty much all the time, I am finally getting better at letting people give to me, at admitting that I can REALLY use some help/love/prayer!! Isn't it wonderful that God lets us keep improving, maturing, and growing! We don't get booted out for being so...human. :) I love you dear sister!
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