Thursday, May 26, 2011
Wednesday, May 25, 2011
Story
Funny thing about me, which will probably explain a lot of these notes... is that as I said before.. when I cannot talk something out, I write it out... and for some odd reason when I just write to myself I don't get as much thinking done as I do when I write here... maybe it is the possibility that someone else will read this so it gets me out of the four walls of my mind
The quote I was talking about earlier is this:
I wanted it to be an easy story. But nobody really remembers easy stories. Characters have to face their greatest fears with courage. That's what makes a story good. If you think about the stories you like most, they probably have lots of conflict. There is probably death at stake, inner death or actual death, you know. These polar charges, these happy and sad things in life, are like colors God uses to draw the world.
I was watching the news the other night, and they were still covering the story in Mumbai about the terrorists who went on a shooting rampage. The man on the news said that before the terrorist killed the Jews in the Jewish center, they tortured them. I had to turn off the television, because I could see the torture in my head the way they were describing it. I kept imagining these people, just living their daily lives, and then having them suddenly ended in unjust tragedy. When we watch the news, we grieve all of this, but when we go to the movies, we want more of it. Somehow we realize the great stories are told in conflict, but are unwilling to embrace the potential greatness of the story we are actually in. We think God is unjust, rather than a master storyteller.
-Donald Miller, A Million Miles In A Thousand Years
As the story goes on... Don find himself faced with the question of what his own life story is... and I am asking the same question.
One of the other great things is the definition of a story as "A character who wants something and overcomes conflict to get it."
So again the question--what is my story? What do I really want? What are the desires that fuel my life? That propel my story?
I would love to be able to give some nice pat answer about what I want... but when I stare deep into my heart... I'm not sure what I see. I know the answers I would like to give, but what would be the point? I don't want to fool someone or even fool myself. It is weird when you want to be totally and brutally honest with yourself.. it seems almost "unnatural"--don't we all spend most of our days fooling others and ourself--to present ourselves as this or that?
I'm naming my own worst enemy. Myself. And how I long for people to perceive me in this manner or that... I have recently started to realize the extent that I change who I am depending on who I am around and what I perceive them to want/need of me, or simply what I feel more comfortable with...
And yeah. Thank is what I'm dealing with most of the time... to find out what it means to just be ME.
The quote I was talking about earlier is this:
I wanted it to be an easy story. But nobody really remembers easy stories. Characters have to face their greatest fears with courage. That's what makes a story good. If you think about the stories you like most, they probably have lots of conflict. There is probably death at stake, inner death or actual death, you know. These polar charges, these happy and sad things in life, are like colors God uses to draw the world.
I was watching the news the other night, and they were still covering the story in Mumbai about the terrorists who went on a shooting rampage. The man on the news said that before the terrorist killed the Jews in the Jewish center, they tortured them. I had to turn off the television, because I could see the torture in my head the way they were describing it. I kept imagining these people, just living their daily lives, and then having them suddenly ended in unjust tragedy. When we watch the news, we grieve all of this, but when we go to the movies, we want more of it. Somehow we realize the great stories are told in conflict, but are unwilling to embrace the potential greatness of the story we are actually in. We think God is unjust, rather than a master storyteller.
-Donald Miller, A Million Miles In A Thousand Years
As the story goes on... Don find himself faced with the question of what his own life story is... and I am asking the same question.
One of the other great things is the definition of a story as "A character who wants something and overcomes conflict to get it."
So again the question--what is my story? What do I really want? What are the desires that fuel my life? That propel my story?
I would love to be able to give some nice pat answer about what I want... but when I stare deep into my heart... I'm not sure what I see. I know the answers I would like to give, but what would be the point? I don't want to fool someone or even fool myself. It is weird when you want to be totally and brutally honest with yourself.. it seems almost "unnatural"--don't we all spend most of our days fooling others and ourself--to present ourselves as this or that?
I'm naming my own worst enemy. Myself. And how I long for people to perceive me in this manner or that... I have recently started to realize the extent that I change who I am depending on who I am around and what I perceive them to want/need of me, or simply what I feel more comfortable with...
And yeah. Thank is what I'm dealing with most of the time... to find out what it means to just be ME.
Here it is again...
I think I've written about it here before, but again the subject of walking by Faith and not sight has come up like 3 times today (which is saying something, seeing as it is only 11:30)... Also, I was rereading some of my old notes on my computer (when I cannot verbally process, I end up writing it down) and saw that this subject of Faith, what it is, how it live by it, and etc. has been on my mind and heart strongly since January. For almost 6 months now, I have been running into this topic everywhere I turn.
I think that is significant.
Again and again, my mind scrambles when I touch this issue-- How can I be better? how can I do this "faith" thing? What hoops to I have to jump through to measure up on the "faith scale"? and so forth...
And again and again I have been brought back to the ultimate
Faith = Trust in God
...this does not sit too well with me... because Trust is another thing that I have not been able to rally together and create in myself. So often I wish that live was simple... and I guess that some parts of me wish that God was more complicated... that I would be able to meet the list of requirements and be "good enough." But that is just the thing.
It my head I know that that is the way things were--and no one was good enough. (for crying out loud, I'm reading Romans and seeing so clearly how None of us can 'measure up' for we have all fallen short and the law was in place, not to bring perfection, but rather show us the need for someone to step in.)
But at the same time... my heart wants to not accept the free gift and make it on my "own" goodness...
So often I forget who God is... I return to my old perception of Him where He is a demanding perfectionist who wants me to get everything right and never mess up...
But again I am reminded that He is a God who desires relationship--which comes through journey. A relationship where trust is earned and scrapes happen, but I can always run back to Him and He will gladly take me back...
If I had the "list-god" I so desire, than I could no longer have the Loving Caring God who wants to journey with me. Who wants my weak and imperfect love... I am so grateful for this God, but often wish that things were easy and took no time...
Forgetting that "easy" does not make for a good life, or an exciting story. I love how Donald Miller puts it... and I seemly have not marked that quote in this book... (someday if I find it, I'll write it down properly...) but the gist is that we like stories that have conflict and hardship, where the person has to overcome great tragedy and pain to become something quite beautiful... and how in life, we want things to be flat line and simple... and when hardship comes our way, we cry out to God and ask Him where He has gone and why these horrible things are happening.. not imagining that God is the most skillful story-crafter in the universe... That life looks more like a story then we imagine and how real life and the stories that stir our souls are those with hardship that must be overcome...
And I'm not sure why it come to mind or why I wrote it down... but I guess that is the point of having a blog, to have somewhere to write my random thoughts and musings... I hope that it is interesting to read, because it is a great relief to write it down.
I think that is significant.
Again and again, my mind scrambles when I touch this issue-- How can I be better? how can I do this "faith" thing? What hoops to I have to jump through to measure up on the "faith scale"? and so forth...
And again and again I have been brought back to the ultimate
Faith = Trust in God
...this does not sit too well with me... because Trust is another thing that I have not been able to rally together and create in myself. So often I wish that live was simple... and I guess that some parts of me wish that God was more complicated... that I would be able to meet the list of requirements and be "good enough." But that is just the thing.
It my head I know that that is the way things were--and no one was good enough. (for crying out loud, I'm reading Romans and seeing so clearly how None of us can 'measure up' for we have all fallen short and the law was in place, not to bring perfection, but rather show us the need for someone to step in.)
But at the same time... my heart wants to not accept the free gift and make it on my "own" goodness...
So often I forget who God is... I return to my old perception of Him where He is a demanding perfectionist who wants me to get everything right and never mess up...
But again I am reminded that He is a God who desires relationship--which comes through journey. A relationship where trust is earned and scrapes happen, but I can always run back to Him and He will gladly take me back...
If I had the "list-god" I so desire, than I could no longer have the Loving Caring God who wants to journey with me. Who wants my weak and imperfect love... I am so grateful for this God, but often wish that things were easy and took no time...
Forgetting that "easy" does not make for a good life, or an exciting story. I love how Donald Miller puts it... and I seemly have not marked that quote in this book... (someday if I find it, I'll write it down properly...) but the gist is that we like stories that have conflict and hardship, where the person has to overcome great tragedy and pain to become something quite beautiful... and how in life, we want things to be flat line and simple... and when hardship comes our way, we cry out to God and ask Him where He has gone and why these horrible things are happening.. not imagining that God is the most skillful story-crafter in the universe... That life looks more like a story then we imagine and how real life and the stories that stir our souls are those with hardship that must be overcome...
And I'm not sure why it come to mind or why I wrote it down... but I guess that is the point of having a blog, to have somewhere to write my random thoughts and musings... I hope that it is interesting to read, because it is a great relief to write it down.
Monday, May 23, 2011
Random thoughts about Stuff
I have not written in awhile, but today things seem clearer than they have in a seemingly long time.
It is still an adventure not being at IHOP and not being in that bubble of community and routine--and that awesome connection that you have with everyone around... because they're pretty much Jesus Freaks too...
But yeah. Since I've been home, I'm tried being perfect, and well, that did not work out so well for me. So then I tried just living, and that has not worked out so well either... Even emerging myself in books, movies, music, and just living day to day life, I still have that hole in me that can only be satisfied by God.
I've tried my best to get along without Him again, but have realized my need--and am starting to be okay with the fact that I cannot make it without Him. It makes me think about when I was working at the Red Gold factory... I had been saved for a couple months, but was so confused by life and all the craziness that was going down, that I ended up getting a taste of what it is like to just "live" and it was horrible. I woke up, got ready for work, worked from 8 to 12 hours, came home, watched TV, went to bed, and was filled with this hollow feeling of "why even bother." It was a time when I finally understood what all the country songs were talking about when they talk about the weekend and getting off work--where you try in your free time to forget, try to find meaning... but always end up back at the pointless work on Monday morning...
wow, that sounded really heavy, but I guess it is rather a heavy thing that I have realized. It is a true saying, "There is no one more miserable than a compromising Christian...and I forget the exact wording, but to the effect that you have seen enough of God that you cannot be fully happy without Him, but are still longing for the things of this world... and I feel like that is a common state for Christians, for me. And I'm not just talking about what some would label as "big sin" (which does not exist by the wayside...) but about even the lack of pursuing God. For that is where I have found myself.
Something one of my friend recently told me, and it really struck a cord-- sin is not just some list of do's and don'ts, but why sin is such a big deal: Sin is separation from God. Sin is all the same to Him, so it is silly when we try to classify it so we can feel "better" about our "little sin" compared to what THey did... if it was just a lie, hatred in the heart, or murdering someone, they all separate us from God. And that is a big deal.
I look at where I am and I feel I have made the first step--to realize where I am, and that I don't want to stay here.
Oh something funny (I'll work it in I promise) so yesterday I went walking after church and got hurt. It was the silliest thing... I stepped off a log wrong and did something to my right ankle. I sat down and felt better and did not think a thing about it. Till that night... when it started throbbing and I ended up not . really being able to walk... and fun stuff like that. But what is funny is how it got highlighted in my heart about how I need help. Not just right now, but always, in everything. I so badly want to be a perfect person who can do it all and help everyone... but when it comes to needing help or having to ask for help, well, you see, it's just not done... And it struck me. That is not how the Body works, that is not how I'm supposed to be as a Christian, it is a giving to those around and help those around, but also accepting help and being real about needing help. We are all to work together, caring for each other, loving everyone as God loves Christ (which is something that can only be done with Him help...) but it is cool.
I feel sometimes even as Christians we have this idea that we gotta make it with just us and God, and there are times where that is the case, but that is the exception more than the rule. We are to make it with other people, to journey with other people, not just be a plastic mask of perfection when on the inside you have fears and problems like everyone else. I guess I'm finally realizing that dependance is a good thing, first on God, but then on others, that we have been called to live in community of faith. To love, to give it, to receive it, to live it
It is still an adventure not being at IHOP and not being in that bubble of community and routine--and that awesome connection that you have with everyone around... because they're pretty much Jesus Freaks too...
But yeah. Since I've been home, I'm tried being perfect, and well, that did not work out so well for me. So then I tried just living, and that has not worked out so well either... Even emerging myself in books, movies, music, and just living day to day life, I still have that hole in me that can only be satisfied by God.
I've tried my best to get along without Him again, but have realized my need--and am starting to be okay with the fact that I cannot make it without Him. It makes me think about when I was working at the Red Gold factory... I had been saved for a couple months, but was so confused by life and all the craziness that was going down, that I ended up getting a taste of what it is like to just "live" and it was horrible. I woke up, got ready for work, worked from 8 to 12 hours, came home, watched TV, went to bed, and was filled with this hollow feeling of "why even bother." It was a time when I finally understood what all the country songs were talking about when they talk about the weekend and getting off work--where you try in your free time to forget, try to find meaning... but always end up back at the pointless work on Monday morning...
wow, that sounded really heavy, but I guess it is rather a heavy thing that I have realized. It is a true saying, "There is no one more miserable than a compromising Christian...and I forget the exact wording, but to the effect that you have seen enough of God that you cannot be fully happy without Him, but are still longing for the things of this world... and I feel like that is a common state for Christians, for me. And I'm not just talking about what some would label as "big sin" (which does not exist by the wayside...) but about even the lack of pursuing God. For that is where I have found myself.
Something one of my friend recently told me, and it really struck a cord-- sin is not just some list of do's and don'ts, but why sin is such a big deal: Sin is separation from God. Sin is all the same to Him, so it is silly when we try to classify it so we can feel "better" about our "little sin" compared to what THey did... if it was just a lie, hatred in the heart, or murdering someone, they all separate us from God. And that is a big deal.
I look at where I am and I feel I have made the first step--to realize where I am, and that I don't want to stay here.
Oh something funny (I'll work it in I promise) so yesterday I went walking after church and got hurt. It was the silliest thing... I stepped off a log wrong and did something to my right ankle. I sat down and felt better and did not think a thing about it. Till that night... when it started throbbing and I ended up not . really being able to walk... and fun stuff like that. But what is funny is how it got highlighted in my heart about how I need help. Not just right now, but always, in everything. I so badly want to be a perfect person who can do it all and help everyone... but when it comes to needing help or having to ask for help, well, you see, it's just not done... And it struck me. That is not how the Body works, that is not how I'm supposed to be as a Christian, it is a giving to those around and help those around, but also accepting help and being real about needing help. We are all to work together, caring for each other, loving everyone as God loves Christ (which is something that can only be done with Him help...) but it is cool.
I feel sometimes even as Christians we have this idea that we gotta make it with just us and God, and there are times where that is the case, but that is the exception more than the rule. We are to make it with other people, to journey with other people, not just be a plastic mask of perfection when on the inside you have fears and problems like everyone else. I guess I'm finally realizing that dependance is a good thing, first on God, but then on others, that we have been called to live in community of faith. To love, to give it, to receive it, to live it
Saturday, May 7, 2011
Picture of Freedom
I have this picture stuck in my head... I can see it so clearly I may even try to draw it... It is a black and white picture. Of a girl dancing, dancing freely... If I end up drawing anything close to it I'll post it...
It has been a long time since I have last written, and be assured, it is not because nothing interesting has been happening. On the contrary, things have been moving quite fast and it is almost hard to keep track of all that God has been teaching me... except He has basically been teaching me one thing, but from many different angles and perspectives...
I have been learning about freedom and being me. Finding the freedom to be me, the who I am deep down inside, being that person on the outside. I wish that I had better words to say all that I wish to...
I have just been realizing how I have (and I believe we all do) put myself in little boxes and decided that only if I fit perfectly into what I think I should be like or what other expect me to be like will I be happy or be me... but I find that as I try and fail to be neatly contained in these boxes--I don't find freedom, I find self-inflicted bondage.
Oh, I'm so tired of chaining myself to what people think... to what I think I should measure up to... I do badly want to be me--to be free to be me. And I want this so bad for you-- I want you to be free to be you. To love and live the way you were made too.... I am not interested in what you can give or what you think I want you to be.... You are beautifully made to be you, and when you are you--it is beautiful and moving and you are just what you need to be.
I long for freedom, but not just for me. My heart cries out to see you free. I look around and I see so many beautiful people twisted with pain and hopelessness because they don't fit into the boxes... they lament and wish they were different and "normal"--but I see the beauty of who you are.
The most I look around, the more I have been seeing with God's eyes... seeing people as beautiful just the way they are. Hear what I am saying--
You are beautiful the way God made you. He enjoys you just as you are. When you look to God and give Him all the broken pieces of your heart... He is the Healer of broken hearts, He can make all things new.
I guess what I have been finding out, is that there is freedom when you look to God to find out who you are. I have started to see that when I turn to Him and dance before Him--forgetting the watching eyes of those around me--I am able to dance with abandon. I able to stop caring if I look like a fool or if my form is correct. I can let my dreadlocks down and dance like a little kid before her Father. Knowing that I am delighted in.
There is such a feeling of freedom when you "chuck it all" and let go. When you come before God with only a broken heart and weak and foolish love. And He just smiles and like the warmth of the sun, the pleasure He feels radiates down on my heart. True freedom.
The picture of a girl dancing her heart out, eyes closed to the world and heart alive.
Dancing in the freedom of being herself. Finding joy in the opinion of the only One who matters.
It has been a long time since I have last written, and be assured, it is not because nothing interesting has been happening. On the contrary, things have been moving quite fast and it is almost hard to keep track of all that God has been teaching me... except He has basically been teaching me one thing, but from many different angles and perspectives...
I have been learning about freedom and being me. Finding the freedom to be me, the who I am deep down inside, being that person on the outside. I wish that I had better words to say all that I wish to...
I have just been realizing how I have (and I believe we all do) put myself in little boxes and decided that only if I fit perfectly into what I think I should be like or what other expect me to be like will I be happy or be me... but I find that as I try and fail to be neatly contained in these boxes--I don't find freedom, I find self-inflicted bondage.
Oh, I'm so tired of chaining myself to what people think... to what I think I should measure up to... I do badly want to be me--to be free to be me. And I want this so bad for you-- I want you to be free to be you. To love and live the way you were made too.... I am not interested in what you can give or what you think I want you to be.... You are beautifully made to be you, and when you are you--it is beautiful and moving and you are just what you need to be.
I long for freedom, but not just for me. My heart cries out to see you free. I look around and I see so many beautiful people twisted with pain and hopelessness because they don't fit into the boxes... they lament and wish they were different and "normal"--but I see the beauty of who you are.
The most I look around, the more I have been seeing with God's eyes... seeing people as beautiful just the way they are. Hear what I am saying--
You are beautiful the way God made you. He enjoys you just as you are. When you look to God and give Him all the broken pieces of your heart... He is the Healer of broken hearts, He can make all things new.
I guess what I have been finding out, is that there is freedom when you look to God to find out who you are. I have started to see that when I turn to Him and dance before Him--forgetting the watching eyes of those around me--I am able to dance with abandon. I able to stop caring if I look like a fool or if my form is correct. I can let my dreadlocks down and dance like a little kid before her Father. Knowing that I am delighted in.
There is such a feeling of freedom when you "chuck it all" and let go. When you come before God with only a broken heart and weak and foolish love. And He just smiles and like the warmth of the sun, the pleasure He feels radiates down on my heart. True freedom.
The picture of a girl dancing her heart out, eyes closed to the world and heart alive.
Dancing in the freedom of being herself. Finding joy in the opinion of the only One who matters.
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