All my live I have sought to be ME. Through the seasons I've thought I was different, but the desire to know for sure who I am has stayed. I have looked to people, things, jobs, and finally God to find out who I am. At Fire In The Night was the first place that I actually started to be Myself. Not someone I created by manipulating or coaching myself into a form that I thought would please another--but me. I had had run-ins with myself throughout the years, but always been quite alarmed when I would do something unexpected and receive looks or comments about being different.
I don't want to idolize Fire In The Night or IHOP for that matter, which I know is a very easy thing to do or seem to do--honestly FITN was the hardest thing I had ever done in my life. But it was where God needed me, more so, it was Where I needed to be to grow. To find myself.
I was pushed by a hectic schedule and encouraging teachers to dive into God and make Him all that mattered. I was frazzled in every way, and had no choice but to call out to God--for I could not make it one my own--and as I started to get to know this God who loves me. I started to become free to be me. The day when I realized that God loved me for me was a crazy day. Only when I looked back and saw the pile of chains behind me did I realize how much I had restricted myself by perceived expectations and social norms, I found whole parts of me that I had closed off for fear of standing out or being rejected for. In these past six months I have endeavored to come much closer to God Almighty and care only for Him opinion of me. I must say it has been a hard journey, but good.
I changed my outward appearance to be proof to myself that I had indeed changed on the inside, that I was truly me and that was a good thing. The real test started the day I came home. I have been faced with old memories, with the remains of the old chains… It is easy to change my hair to dreadlocks and be a bit crazier in the way that I dress-- more hippy and more fun--but it is another matter to be who I am in this, the context of my past.
I have been doing exactly what they said Not to do in FITN, I come home with no real plan of action, no schedule. I have let myself drift for a few days, and although it has been good and my sleep pattern is getting closer to normal hours, I have not been true to who I am really.
Today I had the realization that I have started to slip back into the roles that I used to play and that is not okay. I am not the same. I was changed because I saw something more important than this fleeting life. I encountered Jesus Christ. The One who died on the cross for me, the One who took all my sin upon Himself so that I could live. Why am I still living in bondage to the expectations of man when I have been freed by the Son of Man? The very Son of God? Very God?
I'm not okay with "normal life," for what is normal life but money, stuff, food, and an endless cycle--but where does it lead? What is worth living for?
I am not okay with going back to living life. I am going to live for another age. To live for the One who was dead, but is Alive and Will be Alive FOREVERMORE. Life is more than this age, life is a person. The Way, the Life, the Truth. I will live for Him.
So if you at any point get offended with me, let me know, we'll talk. If you are like "what is wrong with that girl?" let me know, and we'll talk. And if you are like "OH my goodness, it really was that IHOP place corrupting her" well, I gotta say, for the first time in my life I feel the boldness to be me. To be real.
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