I'm learning how to make french press coffee, and all the other times I've made it it has come out too watery and weak..... so I went for it again, and well... it is eye opening. And Good. (that WHAAAAAohmygoodnessNowI'mawake-kinda good) Which is very fitting for today is the first day that my eyes have been open in other ways as well.
I wrote a long version of my eyes being opened, but it is long, rambling, and slightly more poetical then I like to post on the internet... ;) But this is the point.
It is so easy to live for the here and now--
To get caught up in what is expected
To worry more about what I will eat and what I will drink
To get hopeless because I have trouble seeing hope for tomorrow
To keep my eyes on the things around me
To keep my eyes fixed on me and my problems
BUT THAT"S NOT WHAT ITS ABOUT.
THERE IS MORE TO THIS LIFE
And that is what I remembered.
There is more than me
And no matter how I logically reason
when I fix my eyes on myself and what I "should be" I will not find hope.
I will find all I need when I fix my eyes on Jesus and do what it takes to live for Him.
And it is not some formula. I've tried and tried to figure out how to be perfect and be a better person for Him--but the truth is--HE LOVES ME. HE LIKES ME.
I've just got to be me, and keep my eyes on Him.
I realized today that I have even been trying to fit into what I perceive people's expectations to be... even in Christian circles--everywhere. Somehow I feel that I have to be more than I am.
But really get this. --I am speaking to me just as much as I am speaking to you--
God created the church, the body of believers
And each person was created differently with different weaknesses and strengths
Each to work together to make One whole body with Christ as the head
So what happens if one part tries to be another part, for the eye to be just like the nose...
things don't go well.
We need people to be different.
We MUST be different.
Ah, even as I typed that it felt so elementary--But IT IS REAL. And for the first time I think I know that with my heart and not just my head. I need to be me so I can serve God and serve the Body of Christ.
And can I just say this-- different is not something that is like the Other different people. Yes, I came back from IHOP with dreadlocks, I more around a bit more in worship and I tend to sing really loudly... but I don't need to try and be an IHOPer or be that crazy person in worship--I just need to be me and move as Holy Spirit leads.
I don't know how much of what I am saying makes sense--but really. When I say it is Okay and AWESOME to be different. I mean different, not just some other brand of "normal" that I have okayed, like really.
BE YOU. WE NEED YOU TO BE YOU.
You were made perfectly.
So be who you are and love God.
Love people and let's learn to enjoy each other, let's learn how to enjoy US as God made us.
Thursday, April 28, 2011
Wednesday, April 27, 2011
Storm clouds coming
Hold My Heart by Tenth Avenue North
How long must I pray, must I pray to You?
How long must I wait, must I wait for You?
How long 'til I see Your face, see You shining through?
I'm on my knees, begging You to notice me.
I'm on my knees, Father will You turn to me?
One tear in the driving rain,
One voice in a sea of pain
Could the maker of the stars
Hear the sound of my breaking heart?
One life, that's all I am
Right now I can barely stand
If You're everything You say You are
Would You come close and hold my heart
I've been so afraid, afraid to close my eyes
So much can slip away before I say goodbye.
But if there's no other way, I'm done asking why.
I'm on my knees, begging You to turn to me
I'm on my knees, Father will You run to me?
One tear in the driving rain,
One voice in a sea of pain
Could the maker of the stars
Hear the sound of my breaking heart?
One life, that's all I am
Right now I can barely stand
If You're everything You say You are
Would You come close and hold my heart.
So many questions without answers, Your promises remain
I can't see but I'll take my chances to hear You call my name
To hear You call my name
One tear in the driving rain,
One voice in a sea of pain
Could the maker of the stars
Hear the sound of my breaking heart?
One life, that's all I am
Right now I can barely stand
If You're everything You say You are
Won't You come close and hold my heart.
Hold my heart, could you hold my heart?
Hold my heart
The sky is gray and the clouds are gathering, but there is hope. There is One who hears the cries in the night and the desperate longing and yearning of bruised and broken hearts.
"If you feel lost and tried... this is your song..." I don't quite know of more words that are fitting, but that there is beauty and hope at the end of yourself.
I know for I am constantly living at the end of myself... and I find Hope that does not come from me, Strength that is given me, and the eyes to see beauty in weakness and a plan in the broken mess all around.
I feel like a string of cliches and song lyrics--but that is not necessarily a bad thing-- for the storm is coming, the storm is here raging inside my heart...
...and the question is. Will I batten down the hatches and try to hold on for dear life? or will I throw all the windows and doors of my heart open and dance in the wild wind and rain?
That is the real question.
Rain come, come and show me anew the choice for today.
How long must I pray, must I pray to You?
How long must I wait, must I wait for You?
How long 'til I see Your face, see You shining through?
I'm on my knees, begging You to notice me.
I'm on my knees, Father will You turn to me?
One tear in the driving rain,
One voice in a sea of pain
Could the maker of the stars
Hear the sound of my breaking heart?
One life, that's all I am
Right now I can barely stand
If You're everything You say You are
Would You come close and hold my heart
I've been so afraid, afraid to close my eyes
So much can slip away before I say goodbye.
But if there's no other way, I'm done asking why.
I'm on my knees, begging You to turn to me
I'm on my knees, Father will You run to me?
One tear in the driving rain,
One voice in a sea of pain
Could the maker of the stars
Hear the sound of my breaking heart?
One life, that's all I am
Right now I can barely stand
If You're everything You say You are
Would You come close and hold my heart.
So many questions without answers, Your promises remain
I can't see but I'll take my chances to hear You call my name
To hear You call my name
One tear in the driving rain,
One voice in a sea of pain
Could the maker of the stars
Hear the sound of my breaking heart?
One life, that's all I am
Right now I can barely stand
If You're everything You say You are
Won't You come close and hold my heart.
Hold my heart, could you hold my heart?
Hold my heart
The sky is gray and the clouds are gathering, but there is hope. There is One who hears the cries in the night and the desperate longing and yearning of bruised and broken hearts.
"If you feel lost and tried... this is your song..." I don't quite know of more words that are fitting, but that there is beauty and hope at the end of yourself.
I know for I am constantly living at the end of myself... and I find Hope that does not come from me, Strength that is given me, and the eyes to see beauty in weakness and a plan in the broken mess all around.
I feel like a string of cliches and song lyrics--but that is not necessarily a bad thing-- for the storm is coming, the storm is here raging inside my heart...
...and the question is. Will I batten down the hatches and try to hold on for dear life? or will I throw all the windows and doors of my heart open and dance in the wild wind and rain?
That is the real question.
Rain come, come and show me anew the choice for today.
Tuesday, April 26, 2011
Thoughts
so... today has been an interesting day, full of lessons that will teach if I will but listen and learn...
I've been rambling around all day, feeling kinda sick and feeling the void of having no job... nothing demanded of me. I spent the day almost alone with me... which is always a learning experience.
I had a small Light-bulb-moment just a bit ago--and if nothing else--I believe this could be reason enough for the disquietude I have felt today.
-> I realized, or rather remembered, something about ME. 'cause what is natural for Hannah after a day of doing not too much, when faced with the prospect of walking the dog? why you dress up of course!
Yup, cut off jean shorts, black tank, lacy-drapie-thing, dreads up in scarf, tall socks and combat boots...
because when I am me--I dress up, I like to become this or that, but the real me is not in any of them.
The real me is something more than that.
I used to think that as I formed myself into different molds and patterns, that I was finding out who I really was--but the truth is, that I am me. I once compared myself to a chameleon--not in such a good way then, but I think it has some truth to it--I am able to become and fit in where I need to.
This is a blessing, for I believe in my lifetime I will be sent to many different people groups. And when I do, I can blend where I need to.
But there is hard that comes with the good-- for it is easy for me to blend and take "refuge" in a persona that is not myself. I could fall into the trap of defining myself from those around me or how I look at the moment--and as that is easily changed it could cause much confusion as to who I am.
Both of these have happened in my life, and I think to some degree still do.
Coming back to the mid-west with dreadlocks was a statement. The hippy persona that I love so much is not truly truly who I am--but one that reminds me that I am different from the inside. That I am not the same person who left last October. That I indeed encountered a Man named Jesus. That it was not all some lovely dream, but was in fact--reality.
But I still have much growing to do. Much discovering about who I am to do...
Although I have come to this end--I like to dress up, I like to be one thing and then another--and that is okay. As long as I am rooted and grounded in who I am before God.
So don't freak out the next time you see me and I'm all dressed crazy! :P
I've been rambling around all day, feeling kinda sick and feeling the void of having no job... nothing demanded of me. I spent the day almost alone with me... which is always a learning experience.
I had a small Light-bulb-moment just a bit ago--and if nothing else--I believe this could be reason enough for the disquietude I have felt today.
-> I realized, or rather remembered, something about ME. 'cause what is natural for Hannah after a day of doing not too much, when faced with the prospect of walking the dog? why you dress up of course!
Yup, cut off jean shorts, black tank, lacy-drapie-thing, dreads up in scarf, tall socks and combat boots...
because when I am me--I dress up, I like to become this or that, but the real me is not in any of them.
The real me is something more than that.
I used to think that as I formed myself into different molds and patterns, that I was finding out who I really was--but the truth is, that I am me. I once compared myself to a chameleon--not in such a good way then, but I think it has some truth to it--I am able to become and fit in where I need to.
This is a blessing, for I believe in my lifetime I will be sent to many different people groups. And when I do, I can blend where I need to.
But there is hard that comes with the good-- for it is easy for me to blend and take "refuge" in a persona that is not myself. I could fall into the trap of defining myself from those around me or how I look at the moment--and as that is easily changed it could cause much confusion as to who I am.
Both of these have happened in my life, and I think to some degree still do.
Coming back to the mid-west with dreadlocks was a statement. The hippy persona that I love so much is not truly truly who I am--but one that reminds me that I am different from the inside. That I am not the same person who left last October. That I indeed encountered a Man named Jesus. That it was not all some lovely dream, but was in fact--reality.
But I still have much growing to do. Much discovering about who I am to do...
Although I have come to this end--I like to dress up, I like to be one thing and then another--and that is okay. As long as I am rooted and grounded in who I am before God.
So don't freak out the next time you see me and I'm all dressed crazy! :P
Monday, April 25, 2011
While my tea steeps
While my tea is steeping I feel inclined to write and think deep thoughts...
so we'll see how that goes! ;)
A few days ago I was talking with a friend and something clicked... I see some many people I love, so many Christians beaten down and loosing heart because life has just been that rough...
And I realized what a big thing that is today, how many people I know of, and how many Christians at large are separated by lies.
It is like the Church--the Body of Christ--was made to be all together and all these different parts working as one. But what it looks like is not a body, but a waffle! (man, I am alittle crazy today!) but its true, people have made (for protection) or have been trapped in these little boxes and feel so alone. --But the truth is this--there are people all around them in the same condition. If only we could see the lies and break them down, if only we could be free and care openly for one another...
It sounds so much like an idealistic dream, but this is not the end. Things are not going to remain like this. Even the very fact of people starting to see what is really going on is a tip off to the changing times...
I just pray that they change soon. That I will be able to step up and do what I can in my sphere of influence and others will be doing the same.
But this is not the end. He is taking us higher and deeper, He beckons for us to come closer, to see more, to be more like Him--will we come away with Him? Into the unknown and out to run with Him even over the mountains of our fears? Will we answer the call?
-it is cool, I think this is less like THE call and if you miss it, well, you missed it... but it is the daily "yes, I will follow you today." The constant choice to follow Him, for when we follow His perfect leadership, we are with Him, running towards the same thing.
His leadership is perfect.
He holds me in His hand, and His grace is leading me home.
When all seems lost and at a end, He is faithful to bring life from the ashes and restoration to my soul.
He knows better how my life should go.
He know and cares for those I love.
I can do nothing without it.
And He is worthy of my life.
Though I wonder why I am here in life,
He is faithful and is worthy of all I can give.
Funny, this was not what the post was going to be about, and my tea has since steeped (and I'm drinking it! Yay for holiday chai!) But I think this is what the post is really All about...
How to step out of the box, how to follow God every step of the way. Giving Him those small but So hard yeses... because of who He is. Because of His Love. Because I know in my heart that He has a plan and the plan is worthwhile. It is perfect. I may not understand, but I know the heart of the One who holds me and leads me. And He has nothing but good in mind.
God give us the courage to step out in love, and love those around us.
For I believe the change of the Body of Christ from waffle to functioning Ekklesia (the greek word for Church) is by love.
By stepping out and loving those around you. Around me. Those who are having a hard time and need someone, those who feel alone or separate.
So often it is easier to "raise awareness" and promote a cause but never actually do anything. And this blog post is really nothing, but what counts is if I go out and live my life in a way that shows others Love and the heart of Christ. Even in the church.
I find it so much easier to love the random druggie person than those at Church sometimes... most times.. and that is not good. I need to remember that the Church is really a group of wounded and broken people who have become captivated and lovesick for a Beautiful and Holy God. And yes we try and most of us wear the masks of perfectionism, we are still human and need grace and mercy...
And that is okay. God likes weak people--which makes my heart leap with joy and question all at the same time--but it is okay.
Just keep loving.
Everyone
and day by day
trust God and follow where He leads
to who He leads too
and Love them.
Tuesday, April 19, 2011
Rainy days and New/Old books
Again, this post may be a bit of a ramble... It has been storming all day and I stayed up late reading a new-to-me-old-book that I found on the top shelf while dusting... And it was really good. Definitely God-timeing that I found this book... It was about a guy who had been deeply involved in the occult, but that was not the real story, the real story was the journey that his heart made through his life--and when he found Jesus and true life. The cool thing, is that the story did not end there--it went through his learning to trust God and how to life out Christian life and how it differed from living for satan.
And it has really struck a cord with me... I have been seeing more and more how I want to "work" for what Jesus gave so freely, how I long to accept the free gift, but then be perfect to prove to God that I was really worth it after all. It also makes me happy/drives me crazy how God talks to me the way that is so suited to Me... also the fact that He knows what is best... and like a good Father He gives me what I need, and gets me where I need to go... which is not often what I think I need or where I want to go... which is always interesting...
Time just keeps rushing by and I'm wondering what to do half the time... there are so many things that I could be doing, so much that I should be doing, but what Am I doing?
Well, it seems that we are working on my patience and my trusting.... and that feels like a lot... but then again, everything feels like alot today... I don't think it is just the weather, I think the weather brings out different things that are already in my heart... Yesterday with the sun up and shining it was easy to get up and get things done... now I am here and wonder if I could just go back to sleep.... or something...
This is not meant to be a 'downer' note, for God has been doing beautiful things in my life. He has been teaching my heart to love better and is connecting many pieces to the puzzle... (some which I'm still trying to puzzle out... :)
He is faithful. His leadership is perfect. and crazy of all crazies, He enjoys the journey and the process that I call life and painful... :P
And it has really struck a cord with me... I have been seeing more and more how I want to "work" for what Jesus gave so freely, how I long to accept the free gift, but then be perfect to prove to God that I was really worth it after all. It also makes me happy/drives me crazy how God talks to me the way that is so suited to Me... also the fact that He knows what is best... and like a good Father He gives me what I need, and gets me where I need to go... which is not often what I think I need or where I want to go... which is always interesting...
Time just keeps rushing by and I'm wondering what to do half the time... there are so many things that I could be doing, so much that I should be doing, but what Am I doing?
Well, it seems that we are working on my patience and my trusting.... and that feels like a lot... but then again, everything feels like alot today... I don't think it is just the weather, I think the weather brings out different things that are already in my heart... Yesterday with the sun up and shining it was easy to get up and get things done... now I am here and wonder if I could just go back to sleep.... or something...
This is not meant to be a 'downer' note, for God has been doing beautiful things in my life. He has been teaching my heart to love better and is connecting many pieces to the puzzle... (some which I'm still trying to puzzle out... :)
He is faithful. His leadership is perfect. and crazy of all crazies, He enjoys the journey and the process that I call life and painful... :P
Tuesday, April 12, 2011
Time for a Ramble...
So I thought it was about time for a ramble...
My goodness, where to start... God is good. (that is always a good place to start) I am seeing more and more how important He is, and how it does take that little "yes" when the opportunity comes to do what I'm doing or go spend time with Him. I'm not going to lie--I've not been very good at it since I came home--but I'm learning. Learning to say those little yes's of skipping out on the movie or getting off facebook to really spend time at the feet of Jesus, and digging into the word. It is just like everyone always said, I just never quite understood, as seasons change so your relationship and time changes as well--when I first came home I wanted to still spend my 6 hours in the prayer room, but I have realized that I need to actually see what this new season is, and what my plan should be based of that and not what it once was.
yup, I said this was going to be a ramble... :D I was sitting outside earlier and it is just beautiful--so warm and sunny. I think I may have even managed to get a slight burn! (but we'll see for sure tomorrow) But I think I'm starting to loose my Nightwatch-paleness, or at least that is the goal!
And as I was sitting in the sun reading, I realized that I love my dreads alot, and I they feel really cool in the sun--'cause with normal hair you get hot and it gets sweaty and stringy, but with dreads they keep cool, and when I wore them down they protected by shoulders from the heat of the sun! No wonder more people in CA have dreads! They are just so happy, I'm really glad I got them...
I am just struck by the goodness and reality of God. He is so good. It is so easy to start living life and forget what it's all about. Suddenly I start worrying about where my job will be and if anyone in Indiana will really hire someone with dreadlocks... I start analyzing life and get so focused on the here and now, that I forget about the Reality that I was living for. In a moment I can slip away, and live off in my own little world created of dirt and plans.... but something or someone always comes along to remind me of REALITY.
Then just like the song, glory eclipses afflictions and worry of the present... I realize who He is... and how when I learn to invite Him into my life I win. If all I do today or tomorrow is cry: "Jesus, I love you, HELP!" Then I have won, when I take those little things He gives me to make me smile and look up to Him and say, "Thank you" it moves His heart... Man, think about it. Everything I do is in the sight of God, and when I look up and acknowledge Him... it stirs His heart with pleasure... and how silly to try and "grin and bear it" when He is right there, waiting for me to ask His help... He is so good. He has made life such a blessing for all of us to enjoy and to find Him through it... yet, I am caught up in so many things of this life, trying and striving to earn what has been given me...
Oh I love it, God is so cool. And frustrating sometimes... He like the weak ways, He likes dependance and likes things that seem foolish. Which is really good after all, for I am weak, I am totally a dependent and unable to do anything on my own, and I can be pretty foolish...
But yet, sometimes it offends me when I ask God, "How can I love you today? How can I follow you closer today?" and the answer is something little--like asking for help or not doing a simple thing like waste too much time reading pointless fiction (that is not a jab, but one of my weaknesses)... but I am committing myself and asking for GRACE.
But He is so good, He is so faithful.
I am endeavoring to find out who He is... I was at Living Waters last week and the word that was shared was about having faith--and misplaced faith. Faith comes from knowing the One who is faithful, so to grow in faith one must grow in the knowledge of the One who promised--grow in the knowledge of God. It is crazy and awesome... YeAh! God is good. Time to set my face and seek out the only One who is worth living for! He is so good! His leadership is perfect! And His love and mercy unfailing!
My goodness, where to start... God is good. (that is always a good place to start) I am seeing more and more how important He is, and how it does take that little "yes" when the opportunity comes to do what I'm doing or go spend time with Him. I'm not going to lie--I've not been very good at it since I came home--but I'm learning. Learning to say those little yes's of skipping out on the movie or getting off facebook to really spend time at the feet of Jesus, and digging into the word. It is just like everyone always said, I just never quite understood, as seasons change so your relationship and time changes as well--when I first came home I wanted to still spend my 6 hours in the prayer room, but I have realized that I need to actually see what this new season is, and what my plan should be based of that and not what it once was.
yup, I said this was going to be a ramble... :D I was sitting outside earlier and it is just beautiful--so warm and sunny. I think I may have even managed to get a slight burn! (but we'll see for sure tomorrow) But I think I'm starting to loose my Nightwatch-paleness, or at least that is the goal!
And as I was sitting in the sun reading, I realized that I love my dreads alot, and I they feel really cool in the sun--'cause with normal hair you get hot and it gets sweaty and stringy, but with dreads they keep cool, and when I wore them down they protected by shoulders from the heat of the sun! No wonder more people in CA have dreads! They are just so happy, I'm really glad I got them...
I am just struck by the goodness and reality of God. He is so good. It is so easy to start living life and forget what it's all about. Suddenly I start worrying about where my job will be and if anyone in Indiana will really hire someone with dreadlocks... I start analyzing life and get so focused on the here and now, that I forget about the Reality that I was living for. In a moment I can slip away, and live off in my own little world created of dirt and plans.... but something or someone always comes along to remind me of REALITY.
Then just like the song, glory eclipses afflictions and worry of the present... I realize who He is... and how when I learn to invite Him into my life I win. If all I do today or tomorrow is cry: "Jesus, I love you, HELP!" Then I have won, when I take those little things He gives me to make me smile and look up to Him and say, "Thank you" it moves His heart... Man, think about it. Everything I do is in the sight of God, and when I look up and acknowledge Him... it stirs His heart with pleasure... and how silly to try and "grin and bear it" when He is right there, waiting for me to ask His help... He is so good. He has made life such a blessing for all of us to enjoy and to find Him through it... yet, I am caught up in so many things of this life, trying and striving to earn what has been given me...
Oh I love it, God is so cool. And frustrating sometimes... He like the weak ways, He likes dependance and likes things that seem foolish. Which is really good after all, for I am weak, I am totally a dependent and unable to do anything on my own, and I can be pretty foolish...
But yet, sometimes it offends me when I ask God, "How can I love you today? How can I follow you closer today?" and the answer is something little--like asking for help or not doing a simple thing like waste too much time reading pointless fiction (that is not a jab, but one of my weaknesses)... but I am committing myself and asking for GRACE.
But He is so good, He is so faithful.
I am endeavoring to find out who He is... I was at Living Waters last week and the word that was shared was about having faith--and misplaced faith. Faith comes from knowing the One who is faithful, so to grow in faith one must grow in the knowledge of the One who promised--grow in the knowledge of God. It is crazy and awesome... YeAh! God is good. Time to set my face and seek out the only One who is worth living for! He is so good! His leadership is perfect! And His love and mercy unfailing!
Friday, April 8, 2011
Finding and Losing Self
All my live I have sought to be ME. Through the seasons I've thought I was different, but the desire to know for sure who I am has stayed. I have looked to people, things, jobs, and finally God to find out who I am. At Fire In The Night was the first place that I actually started to be Myself. Not someone I created by manipulating or coaching myself into a form that I thought would please another--but me. I had had run-ins with myself throughout the years, but always been quite alarmed when I would do something unexpected and receive looks or comments about being different.
I don't want to idolize Fire In The Night or IHOP for that matter, which I know is a very easy thing to do or seem to do--honestly FITN was the hardest thing I had ever done in my life. But it was where God needed me, more so, it was Where I needed to be to grow. To find myself.
I was pushed by a hectic schedule and encouraging teachers to dive into God and make Him all that mattered. I was frazzled in every way, and had no choice but to call out to God--for I could not make it one my own--and as I started to get to know this God who loves me. I started to become free to be me. The day when I realized that God loved me for me was a crazy day. Only when I looked back and saw the pile of chains behind me did I realize how much I had restricted myself by perceived expectations and social norms, I found whole parts of me that I had closed off for fear of standing out or being rejected for. In these past six months I have endeavored to come much closer to God Almighty and care only for Him opinion of me. I must say it has been a hard journey, but good.
I changed my outward appearance to be proof to myself that I had indeed changed on the inside, that I was truly me and that was a good thing. The real test started the day I came home. I have been faced with old memories, with the remains of the old chains… It is easy to change my hair to dreadlocks and be a bit crazier in the way that I dress-- more hippy and more fun--but it is another matter to be who I am in this, the context of my past.
I have been doing exactly what they said Not to do in FITN, I come home with no real plan of action, no schedule. I have let myself drift for a few days, and although it has been good and my sleep pattern is getting closer to normal hours, I have not been true to who I am really.
Today I had the realization that I have started to slip back into the roles that I used to play and that is not okay. I am not the same. I was changed because I saw something more important than this fleeting life. I encountered Jesus Christ. The One who died on the cross for me, the One who took all my sin upon Himself so that I could live. Why am I still living in bondage to the expectations of man when I have been freed by the Son of Man? The very Son of God? Very God?
I'm not okay with "normal life," for what is normal life but money, stuff, food, and an endless cycle--but where does it lead? What is worth living for?
I am not okay with going back to living life. I am going to live for another age. To live for the One who was dead, but is Alive and Will be Alive FOREVERMORE. Life is more than this age, life is a person. The Way, the Life, the Truth. I will live for Him.
So if you at any point get offended with me, let me know, we'll talk. If you are like "what is wrong with that girl?" let me know, and we'll talk. And if you are like "OH my goodness, it really was that IHOP place corrupting her" well, I gotta say, for the first time in my life I feel the boldness to be me. To be real.
Faithful
Faithful. This is something that I have been hearing over and over-- every message I hear, every song that sticks out to me-- they are all highlighting the Faithfulness and Unchangeability of God. Even while I was still in Fire In The Night, I was hearing Faithful. It was spoken about in church, it was sung about, and spoken over me... He is Faithful.
Since coming home I have many changes to doubt His faithfulness-- will He really come through when I am depending on Him for everything? Will He really still love me when I'm not in the Prayer Room for 6 hours a night, and my heart is manifesting some not-so-awesome responses to life... like when I got stuck in traffic and people seemed to forget how to drive... there was many a thought that was not exactly Loving.
Seems like I'm rambling, but I have a point. God has shown me His faithfulness, first at IHOP when I did not know what to expect or what would happen. He faithfully took tender care of my heart, growing me up in love and teaching me to trust Him... now that I am back in the "real world" I am learning to do all the same things, but in a different context. I learned in Fire In The Night to love and trust God when I was at the end of myself--tired from getting up early, staying up late, at the end of my rope emotionally, and trusting on His strength not to fall asleep in the prayer room and keep my wandering heart close to His... Now, I am learning to love Him when I have places to go, things I could be worrying about like a job and all the little important things that are needful for life...
He is the same God. That is the realization that I am coming too. He will provide for me no matter what the context is or how interesting the situation may seem. He is faithful to His promises. My God, is the One who is Faithful to the end. My part is to trust--to learn to say "He is Faithful" in and out of season--to be sure of the One who I trust. Basically back to the Psalm that never fails to apply to my life these days... Psalm 37
He is Faithful. If nothing else, I will leave this season with the words; "He is Faithful" in my heart and on my lips. For Indeed, He who Promised is Faithful.
Since coming home I have many changes to doubt His faithfulness-- will He really come through when I am depending on Him for everything? Will He really still love me when I'm not in the Prayer Room for 6 hours a night, and my heart is manifesting some not-so-awesome responses to life... like when I got stuck in traffic and people seemed to forget how to drive... there was many a thought that was not exactly Loving.
Seems like I'm rambling, but I have a point. God has shown me His faithfulness, first at IHOP when I did not know what to expect or what would happen. He faithfully took tender care of my heart, growing me up in love and teaching me to trust Him... now that I am back in the "real world" I am learning to do all the same things, but in a different context. I learned in Fire In The Night to love and trust God when I was at the end of myself--tired from getting up early, staying up late, at the end of my rope emotionally, and trusting on His strength not to fall asleep in the prayer room and keep my wandering heart close to His... Now, I am learning to love Him when I have places to go, things I could be worrying about like a job and all the little important things that are needful for life...
He is the same God. That is the realization that I am coming too. He will provide for me no matter what the context is or how interesting the situation may seem. He is faithful to His promises. My God, is the One who is Faithful to the end. My part is to trust--to learn to say "He is Faithful" in and out of season--to be sure of the One who I trust. Basically back to the Psalm that never fails to apply to my life these days... Psalm 37
He is Faithful. If nothing else, I will leave this season with the words; "He is Faithful" in my heart and on my lips. For Indeed, He who Promised is Faithful.
Tuesday, April 5, 2011
Oh the Work of the Cross
"Take words with you, and return to the Lord. Say to Him, "Take away all iniquity; receive us graciously, for we will offer the sacrifices of our lips. Assyria shall not save us, we will not ride on horses, nor will we say anymore to the work of our hands, 'you are our gods.' For in you the fatherless find mercy.
"I will heal their backsliding, I will love them freely, for my anger has turned away from him. I will be like the dew to Israel; he shall grow like the lily, and lengthen his roots like Lebanon. His branches shall spread; his beauty shall be like an olive tree, and his fragrance like lebanon. Those who dwell under his shadow shall return; they shall be revived like grain, and grow like a vine Their scent shall be like the wine of Lebanon." -Hosea 14:2-7
First of all, here are clean instructions on repentance-- to turn and return to the Lord with the confession of sin with the mouth, cry out for mercy in an honest state of knowing where you are. Turning and casting down false idols and leaning into God to find sustenance and sufficiency.
What really sticks out to be is: "I will heal their backsliding, I will love them freely, for my anger has turned away from him…"
"Surely He has borne out griefs and carried our sorrows; yet we esteemed Him stricken, smitten by God, and afflicted. But He was wounded for our transgressions, He was bruised for our iniquities; the chastisement for our peace was upon Him, and by His stripes we are healed. All we like sheep have gone astray; we have turned, every one, to his own way; and the Lord has laid on Him the iniquity of us all." -Isaiah 53:4-6
This almost makes me sick. It hits so hard on the inside. God was able to turn His wrath away and bless us with every blessing--and how often I forget that to have mercy upon me and remain just, He had to turn His wrath upon someone else. How can I ever think that there are No Consequences?
He bore my sins upon His body and became sin so that I would be able to be forgiven and find new life through His death. You are able to heal my backsliding and love me freely because Your very Son hung on a cross and breathed His last forgiving and sacrificing all that He was and is. How can I ever think forgiveness is an "EASY" thing?
I think I'm finally starting understand what the scripture was talking about when it said that no one who has understood the work of salvation can willfully keep on willfully sinning, for that indeed is mockery of the sacrifice of Christ and crucifying Him again and again.
Whoever has been born of God does not sin, for His seed remains in him; and he cannot sin, because he has been born of God. -1 John 3:9
"For it is impossible for those who were once enlightened, and have tasted the heavenly girt, and have become partakers of the Holy Spirit, and have tasted the good word of God and the powers of the age to come, if they fall away, to renew them again to repentance, since they crucify again for themselves the Son of God, and put Him to an open shame. -Hebrews 6:4-6
Is sin a big deal? Was the cross a big deal?
Remember the cross. The cross-- the place where man's condemnation and God's mercy met.
Is sin a big deal? Was the cross a big deal?
Oh Jesus, my heart is so convicted, forgive me. Forgive me for lessening the work of the cross, of the Love that you poured out when you poured out your mercy, forgiveness all through the pouring out of your blood.
Oh God! Forgive me all the times when I believe that I'm not worth anything and that you don't really love me… YOU LOVE ME. You took my sin upon Yourself. You became weak so that you could die in place of me. You humbled yourself so that Your very Wrath and Justice could be satisfied, and for Love you took my place. You took my place. It was my sin that kept You on that cross, not because my sin nailed you there--but because of Love for me, You Could Not not finish the work that would bring me freedom and life. Jesus, you are so worthy. You are so worthy of all I have to give. You are so worthy of everything I am, and every hope to be. I give You all. Jesus, I give you all of myself, how could I do otherwise when faced with such love and sacrifice! Jesus, You are beautiful.
I see now why You are the Only One found worthy. This selfless act of love--the cross--has qualified you to be the One to take the scroll and release the judgements, for it was through Your death and Your spilled blood that forgiveness and salvation were made. You are the Only One Found Worthy. There is No One Like You Lord. JESUS YOU"RE BEAUTIFUL.
Monday, April 4, 2011
How then shall I live?
AHH! Now I'm going to listen to some Audra Lynn! And then figure out what to do for the rest of the evening... I've been cleaning and going through stuff pretty much all day... so hopefully when I move in the fall it will be easier! (at least that is the plan) I've been really getting into Hosea lately and it is really awesome. I have started using some of my comentaries and it is so awesome to have an outline/timeline to help explain some thing... it is really awesome.
I'm not sure if you notice or not... but I'm slightly out of it... I took like an hour nap before dinner and am a strange mixture of awake, sleepy, and something else that I am at a loss for word for...
And this Audra Lynn set is just what I need to hear--about God providing and being faithful to satisfy my needs. I keep hearing the theme over and over everywhere about God drawing His loved ones into the wilderness for a season to encounter Him and fall in deeper love for Him. And I have more than a good guess that that is where I am these days. It is hard sometimes, but I know that the end will be worth it... indeed, I will come up from the wilderness leaning on my Beloved (song of songs 8:5)... and He has drawn me into the wilderness so that I will call Him "Ishi" --My Husband-- and no longer "Balli" --My master (Hosea 2:14,16). Yup, that has been the most recent part of my journey, and each day He is teaching me more and more about how to live and love, and be more like Him. I am starting to like the journey, it is not love yet, but I pray that that day will come. I want to be one like the martyrs and other throughout history that have been so fixed upon eternity and the Hope of Jesus Christ and His 2ed return that the things of this life loose but of their gravity and urgency, but other things are seen as they really are.
Like the constant worry about what people will think and what I will wear today fades, and I start wondering how I can love God and people better... How can I start living my life for eternity? How can I start living for another age... and what is really important in the grant scale of things?
Stuff gets so much less important, and people, relationships, and how I spend my time because so much more important, suddenly it is not okay to Not talk about Jesus or what He has done in my life... For time here really is short, I mean, 6 months went by in a *SNAP* of the fingers, and in just a little while years and years will have gone by. I want to be one who loves God with my life... All by the grace of God. As I get older, I find more and more that I can do nothing without the help of my wonderful Savior or the Grace He so liberally gives if I will but ask...
| But, beloved, do not forget this one thing, that with the Lord one day is as a thousand years, and a thousand years as one day. |
| The Lord is not slack concerning His promise, as some count slackness, but is longsuffering toward us, not willing that any should perish but that all should come to repentance. |
| But the day of the Lord will come as a thief in the night, in which the heavens will pass away with a great noise, and the elements will melt with fervent heat; both the earth and the works that are in it will be burned up. |
| Therefore, since all these things will be dissolved, what manner of persons ought you to be in holy conduct and godliness, |
| Therefore, beloved, looking forward to these things, be diligent to be found by Him in peace, without spot and blameless; |
The question that I am always left with is-- considering all you have seen and learned... How then should I live? What should my life look like considering the grand perspective? What is the best use of this momentary life?
Back in IN
I have been back in IN, for about 3 days now... and have almost become adjusted to getting/being up while the sun is up... but it has been a strange ride to get here... which included two days where I woke up and got up sometime around 4am--but that worked out perfectly--for I was awake during the normal intercession time and I had lots of time to pray!
Being home has been good, I just today actually "moved" back in... which was an odd experience for a bit over a year I was doing the exact opposite. Also talking about oddness... I'm going to be 20 in like 5 days... and that is odd. I don't feel "old" but at the same time I do kinda, but I think a lot of that has to do with the fact that it seemed like most all of track 1 was 17 or 18. Ah... and I'm listening to the prayer room and Jaye is playing worship with the word... and it is so good. I really miss everyone in KC and the prayer room.
Exciting news though! Yesterday was Sunday (I know right! Where has the time gone!) and I went to church alone--which was a big deal for me... I was pretty nervous 'cause I've never really done that... and I have dreads now. But I went and it was awesome! I prayed on my way there that God would have them give the message that I need to hear and so forth, and they did!
It was a lot about how God choses people and it is not by anything we do, but it is because He has chosen... No matter how unworthy we think we/they are, God like the dirty, sinful, scalawags, so that when He comes and cleans them and makes them new it is shockingly beautiful, and there is no way that that was NOT GOD. Only God can do something like that. Also, about how offensive that is to our flesh--I always want to believe in the back of my mind that I was chosen because I was doing it right or was particularly awesome--but we are all Trophies of His Mercy and the displays of His unfailing Grace and Love.
Oh cool story! So Martha and I drove home from KC from 3pm onward (by the way, driving at night when you are on the nightwatch is a beautiful thing, and an awesome way to travel!) We got to Greenfield at like 1:30am and stopped at Stake 'n' Shake 'cause they are 24 hours. And while we are sitting, eating and talking, these two guys sitting near us start talking to us... and before you know it, we are explaining that we just finished a 6 month doing an internship at the International House Of Prayer... and having what they called a "religion talk" for two + hours. It was such a God thing that we where there and they were there. Both guys were really involved in the conversation and asked at ton of questions. You could tell that they were both getting a bit shook up by all this "God talk." Praise be to the Lord Jesus Christ! It was amazing, I don't know what has happened with these guys since talking with us--but God is out to get them... :D It was beautiful to help plant the seeds, and for the first real time to share me testimony and it was great. I had no fear about being totally honest about Jesus, Christianity, and my own shortcomings... the only fear I felt was the Fear of the Lord for these two guys.
After we left and were driving to my house, we were praising God--for it is just like my wonderful God to give us the random idea to go to Stake 'n' Shake (when neither of us is really a big fan, but it seemed right)... it was the first time for both of us to really witness, and it was awesome. All the way home we were just thanking God for that opportunity and asking God to keep working on those guys... to break into their hearts and keep pursuing them... and it was just awesome. I mean, two hours at some dinner, talking about religion and Jesus with two guys from 1:30 to about 3:30 in the morning... Only my God!
Being home has been good, I just today actually "moved" back in... which was an odd experience for a bit over a year I was doing the exact opposite. Also talking about oddness... I'm going to be 20 in like 5 days... and that is odd. I don't feel "old" but at the same time I do kinda, but I think a lot of that has to do with the fact that it seemed like most all of track 1 was 17 or 18. Ah... and I'm listening to the prayer room and Jaye is playing worship with the word... and it is so good. I really miss everyone in KC and the prayer room.
Exciting news though! Yesterday was Sunday (I know right! Where has the time gone!) and I went to church alone--which was a big deal for me... I was pretty nervous 'cause I've never really done that... and I have dreads now. But I went and it was awesome! I prayed on my way there that God would have them give the message that I need to hear and so forth, and they did!
It was a lot about how God choses people and it is not by anything we do, but it is because He has chosen... No matter how unworthy we think we/they are, God like the dirty, sinful, scalawags, so that when He comes and cleans them and makes them new it is shockingly beautiful, and there is no way that that was NOT GOD. Only God can do something like that. Also, about how offensive that is to our flesh--I always want to believe in the back of my mind that I was chosen because I was doing it right or was particularly awesome--but we are all Trophies of His Mercy and the displays of His unfailing Grace and Love.
Oh cool story! So Martha and I drove home from KC from 3pm onward (by the way, driving at night when you are on the nightwatch is a beautiful thing, and an awesome way to travel!) We got to Greenfield at like 1:30am and stopped at Stake 'n' Shake 'cause they are 24 hours. And while we are sitting, eating and talking, these two guys sitting near us start talking to us... and before you know it, we are explaining that we just finished a 6 month doing an internship at the International House Of Prayer... and having what they called a "religion talk" for two + hours. It was such a God thing that we where there and they were there. Both guys were really involved in the conversation and asked at ton of questions. You could tell that they were both getting a bit shook up by all this "God talk." Praise be to the Lord Jesus Christ! It was amazing, I don't know what has happened with these guys since talking with us--but God is out to get them... :D It was beautiful to help plant the seeds, and for the first real time to share me testimony and it was great. I had no fear about being totally honest about Jesus, Christianity, and my own shortcomings... the only fear I felt was the Fear of the Lord for these two guys.
After we left and were driving to my house, we were praising God--for it is just like my wonderful God to give us the random idea to go to Stake 'n' Shake (when neither of us is really a big fan, but it seemed right)... it was the first time for both of us to really witness, and it was awesome. All the way home we were just thanking God for that opportunity and asking God to keep working on those guys... to break into their hearts and keep pursuing them... and it was just awesome. I mean, two hours at some dinner, talking about religion and Jesus with two guys from 1:30 to about 3:30 in the morning... Only my God!
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