A note

I have a little time before my last class of the day, and I thought I would come post here! Wednesdays are my early days... My first class is at 3:30pm (which really means I have to leave the apartment like 3ish) but it is really good. This class is talking about support raising and the Biblical stance on it... and it is pretty awesome.
Lately God has been teaching me to trust and lean only upon Him... I never realized just how much I depend on things other than God--that is-- until God points them out and is like.. "you said that you wanted to trust in me alone... so this has got to go."
This lesson is a real adventure-- yesterday I realized just how much of my identity I have drawn from working and holding a job. I did not figure this out till my brain stumbled across the fact that when I come home in April, I will have not held a job FOR HALF A YEAR! Crazy...
I've also discovered the things that I run to for comfort outside of God like eating to eat, and drinking massive amounts of coffee when I don't really want it.

I realized how my nature is-- how I love to be independent and be able to do everything all by my self.  But in His love and mercy, God has gently shown me the places that I have slipped away from Him and invites me to trust Him on a new level.
It has been scary trusting in God, and in fact, it still is. I am waiting upon Him to guide my life and to fulfill the desires of my heart. I have always been a bit uncomfortable with Psalm 37--

Delight yourself also in the LORD, and He shall give you the desires of your heart.
Commit your way to the LORD, Trust also in Him, and He shall bring it to pass.
He shall bring forth your righteousness as the light, and your justice as the noonday.
Rest in the LORD, and wait patiently for Him; do not rest because of his who prospers in his way, because of the man who brings wicked schemes to pass. (verses 4-7)

So each day is an adventure trusting God for more and more of my life. He is so awesome, He gives me the grace to trust Him a little bit more in each situation and each difficulty in life. He waits while I freak out and then speaks so quietly and gently to my heart, showing me how He is teaching me and assuring me once again of Him faithfulness that will never fail me...
Thank you God for being a God who loves the process... who walks with me hand in hand through the hard thing in life and gives me the grace and faith I need to make it through another day. Thank you.

On a light note... I've been considering getting dreads (aka dreadlocks)-- I know, it sounds so hardcore.. ;)  I've seen some people have these little dreads and they are quite awesome. I've been researching them and they are actually pretty easy to care for and keep clean... but I'm going to wait till I can get the kit that has all the direction and all the stuff you'll need. but Yeah! That's one of the silly awesome thing I'm thinking about...

I love you my lovely People!
PRAYERS!

Another day and more Grace

Another day has begun, I'm sitting in the Cafe after breakfast, and my thoughts have turned to behold the deep questions of life-- what will be and why God works the way He does.
I've been thinking about where I am right now... I miss people from home and part of me wishes to be back there to where I left off... at the same time I am filled with excited expectation (filled with not a little fear and trembling) of what will be. I have no real idea of where God is going to take me-- for it could be Anywhere.

So this all sits together in a very interesting combination... I'm missing the past, feeling unsure about what will be, and trying to make it through the here and now.
God, there is nothing else I can do but trust you and set me heart to accept whatever you bring my way.
But I need grace God, lots of Grace...

His leadership is perfect. Most of the time I don't understand what He is doing or why, but I will choose this day to trust Him with my life and my heart. I will choose this day to life right now, and take each situation as it comes. Alright God, I'm ready to move at your pace and will stop trying to wander back where I was or run ahead to what could be-- I'll enjoy the time I have with your right now as we walk hand and hand down the road of life.

And the word of the day is HELLLP!

So here forth is the story of my day thus far....
And let me caution the reader, there are things that happen in this blog that are not really awesome, and just because I'm at a place like IHOP dose not mean that I am Really Super Holy-- it means that God gets to show me all the junk in my heart and when it comes up its like "WHAT IS THAT THING?!!?!"

Today started with the ending of a night in which I spent much time looking at the clock... and mustering up the courage to venture out of bed and into the shower....
I don't know if it's just me, but I get those days were you wake up and your like, "I've got today, we are going to crack down and get things done." and then life proceeds to whip you, trip you, and shove your face in the snow... that would be today. Also helped my the sinful nature of my own heart, which for some reason has decided to make itself unavoidable.

Maybe it is because I did not speak yesterday, and I spent all that time seeing close of up how much evil there really is in my heart-- how much sin, how much stuff I would rather just Not deal with. But when you are trapped in your own head, it's hard to get away from.

Anyway, back to today. My voice is coming back, but I tend to break out in spontaneous coughing so hard that I start gagging, which is not much fun... and Not when you happen to be driving...
Oh, so I gear all up for the day in my mind, give myself a mini pep talk and put of my favorite shoes that make me happy, open the door to go to breakfast.... and it is snowing outside.
Close door, change shoes, and already my heart is reacting badly... grumble grumble grumble...
I have an early class at 3:20 (which is roughly like 6am to me) and have to drive over... so rush rush rush... and I get to drive our apartment. (we take turns and that is awesome, but snow is not quite my fav. thing...) So slipping and sliding on the road and I let out a word that.... well... it's not quite normal to hear around here... it's more like a factory or landscaping word..... OOPS....

Class was amazing and I have ton and a half of new things to learn... Every day it seems like I seem how I have not ever scratched the surface of all there is to learn and all that I really Really need to know.
I'm just so challenged by everything right now.

I really through track 1 was hard, and it was, it was the hardest thing I've ever done in my life....
and well, track 2 is on a different level.... and so far has been the hardest thing that I've ever done... and I'm not even a month in yet....

Not to much more has happened in my day for this is like late-early morning, but did have change to slip that word out again.... I feel so bad for my roomies that they have to live life with me while all this junk is getting shown in my heart.

I just never realized in life how much bitterness, anger, resentment, jealousy, spitefulness, and EVERYTHING ELSE-- is in my heart, and HAS BEEN....
The more I look at God the more I see how HOLY He is, and how Unholy I really am.
So my cry today (and every day) is HELP!
And He is faithful to help, THANK GOODNESS! It is painful, but He is not content to leave me here, but take me through the valleys and dark places in my heart so that I may be more like Him.

But by Grace alone. Without grace, I would still be in bed. Thank you God for Grace.
Every day I will come to your throne of Grace and lay myself down, and say, "I am not moving from here, I need you."
Grace give me the grace to do this.
I love you.
<3

Being voiceless

so... I've lost my voice. All of it. I've been slowly losing it for two days, but could not stop myself from praying in small group... and well, it's all gone now... And I'm learning a lot. I never realized how much I talk, and everyone is joking with me about how I'm on a forced-silence-fast... and it is just crazy.
I never realized just how much I have to say, and how hard it is JUST to listen... it makes me wonder, if God took me seriously when I told Him I wanted to learn to stop talking and start listening... 'cause this is not Quite what I was thinking of...
But He is so good. Even in the moments when I start wondering why I'm here, and believing I'm a burden on people-- He is so Faithful to remind me with that still small voice; "I AM Truth. That is not of me."
And then on the journey of wrestling with my heart begins....
Every day I seem more and more that if I could just win the battle in my heart I would be happy, and even in the Psalms somewhere it says that he who wins his own heart is greater than he who wins a city.
So every day my prayer and cry is: "HELP LORD! I NEED HELP!" and He hears my cry. Now, most of the time the answer looks like something I would rather Not get, like: "Here is the problem, Here is the Truth, Now what are you going to do about it?"
Again I cry, Grace Lord! I cannot make it another step without you!
And again, He is faithful to remind me; "I AM always with you. I have never left you. I will never leave you. Rest in this, and let us go out together."

YAY for Fire In The Night and How GOOD GOD IS!!!!

So just a quick note, and then to my tea which smells like a beautiful blueberry muffin... can you tell I'm excited about it! :D
I just got done with dinner and am waiting for the opening class of both tracks! Track 1 started today, and I'm so happy to get to meet and know these other people! There are 60 some trackone-ers... and YeAh! I've talked with several dear girls and so excited to get to know more!!!
Oh I'm just so happy and glad to see what God is doing! And I just Love Everyone!!!!!
GOD YOU ARE SO GOOD!!!!
PRAISE GOD!!!!!!
<3

Here I am!

It's been several days since I last posted, so I'll catch you up!
For some strange reason I now catch myself saying "Ya'll" and today my hair froze in the cold.
Track 2 have had intro classes for CEC (children's ministry) and for a support raising class that sounds awesome. It will be more about stewarding money and sewing into ministries and people. I'm really looking forward to it... although it will be at 3:30 (which is like my 8 in the morning, so pretty crazy early!)

Last night all of track 2 called a meeting to praying for unity in our track and track 1 (which is moving in tomorrow) and it was amazing. It turn into a inner healing time for everyone. We asked forgiveness for things we had held against people and are determined to have unity where we had division last track.
I'm so excited about the over 60 new inters coming in! I cannot wait to get to know more people and see how God does things in their lives.

Today we start are first real classes. I think that from now on we will be on a normal class schedule, which is about two classes (sometimes three) a day and then 6 hours in the prayer room.
Speaking of the prayer room--
it was hard the first couple of day to get into the rhythm of things. But on Sunday we had time to sit in the prayer room (more than normal) to really talk with God and get a vision for where we want to be in our relationship with God at the end of these three months.
I have really understand now, it's not about being a perfect awesome role model IHOPer... it's about where I am going in life. I'm not doing this internship to be awesome in 6 months, but I am here to seek God and figure out how to Love God from day to day for the rest of my life.
This time in my life is not about becoming part of this organization or that, but it time for me to learn how to be a Lover of God for LIFE!

I love you all and ask for your patience while I'm growing!
God bless you my Lovelies!
<3

The dull rumble of life and finding the still small voice

I'm sitting in Higher Grounds cafe, breakfast is over and I have an hour till my fist class. The coffee shop is crowded and there is a dull rumble of people talking, and thanks to the earbuds in my ears there is a soft melody weaving all the noise into a strange sort of peace.
I know I'm getting all poetic again... but I'm realizing how precious this time in my life is. This three months to not worry about paying the bills, getting to work on time, and weather or not to see that latest movie... I have my time pretty much laid out for me, between classes, prayer room, and hanging out with roommates.

So last night was my first night back in the Prayer Room and I realized again how much work it takes to quiet my mind and heart. I tend to have about four million things running through my mind-- what should I read in the Bible, comments about the music, wondering when I will run to Wal-Mart and what I will need, and so many little snippets of things... to actually stop my mind and listen to God is so hard!

It really is one of the hardest lessons in life-- to shut out all the noise of life and spend those dear moments in silence before God. I struggle so much with trying to "fill up the awkward silence" with God... I talk at Him, I sing to Him, I read His word... but waiting and listening to Him... that is a hard one.... It is like those moments on a date, when there is silence and the other person is just looking at you. And you are like.... "well, we are having lovely weather today!" and they just sit there looking at your with a smile, and suddenly even your skin feels uncomfortable. They are looking at your and not saying anything. And you wait..... and yes, they end up speaking.... but it is so easy to try and fill up the silence with idle chatter trying to make oneself comfortable again.

And that is how things are with God sometimes. He loves to talk with me. But He is slow to speak, and will not interrupt me no matter if I am saying the most hollow words... He is faithful to listen to me.
I believe this may be one of the biggest things I will be learning in there next three months....
How to be quite before the Lord, enjoy the silence, and become quick to listen.

This is one of the things I want to learn SO BAD: to be quick to listen. I want this in my relationship with God, but I also crave it for my human interactions. I see again and again, how quick I am to change the topic to myself or to throw in my opinion.  I desire to be a person that even a stranger would feel comfortable talking with. I want to be a person who values the words coming out of others months more than the ones coming from my own.
Last track I started to understand that words are powerful and can be a great blessing or a great hinderance. After reading the book of James I was ready to not talk for a great while. But still with my own interest mostly in mind.
Now I want to value listening because hearing the other person is worth my silence. Because more is learned and discovered when listening.
So that is my prayer for this track.

On a side note: the track has not really begun yet, track 2 came a week early, so our schedule is still full but geared to preparing us to be examples and really valuing this time-- our last three months in the internship. I'm very glad for this time, for I'm reestablishing myself in the "prayer room culture" and really putting down roots for the rest of my time. I'm so excited to meet the track one-ers and hope to become really good friends with them, but I love that I have time to catch up with my friends who I have already invested so much of my love in!

Oh I love you all. Those of you at home, and those of you who are abroad. I love you. God is good and He is faithful. If those are the only things in life, those things I know. Remember Him when times to hard, and look to the One who will always Love you and Never forsake you. Take Him at His word, and buckle up! For it is Quite an awesome and unexpected ride!
<3

Here I am in Starbucks MO!

I"M HERE AT IHOP! and it's exciting! In an hour and a half I will be an intern again! Track 2 has a week before the Track one-ers come... and it's nice to be able to catch up with all the people we spent three months with!
The trip here was a blast, Martha and I had much to catch up on seeing as we did not talk for two weeks. Much coffee was had and lots of talking. Still the almost 11 hour drive was long, and not long after we got to the hotel I was out like a light.
This morning I was stumbling around till I had my coffee, but even then I felt weird for being up when the sun was too. I think my mind has already gone back to sleeping in the day and being up at night, so hopefully transitioning will go smoothly!
(I'm really trying to make sense with my posts now, I realized that all last track I only wrote when I was in a very odd and poetic moods and everything I wrote may have only made sense in my head.... so shoot my an email or a facebook thing if I still am not being understandable!)
But Yeah... and I found out that I like hot sauce from TocoBell! CRAZYNESS! But pretty awesome I may say... anyway. I've had large-ish about of coffee....
I am so excited about what God is going to be doing in a through my this track! I was not ready to leave home a couple days ago, for I know that I have many not-so-fun things to work out in my heart. But I know in the end that God is good and He is leading my life!
I'm not sure what I will be doing after track 2, but have plenty of time to pray about it now! I'm thinking right now that I would love to go back to Indiana and move back to Muncie... but we'll see!
I just have Muncie on my heart, and most of all my LOVELY PEOPLE (whom I love) who live in Indiana! I've been pretty bad at keeping in touch with friends, but God and I are working on that. For I love to know what you all are up to and how life is going.
Just a reminder-- I have lots of time to pray so you should tell me what to praying for. Because I love you. Alot. It's true. SO DO IT! <3