Changes are funny things.
It is easy to change my hair, to get a new piercing, to change the color of my hair.
These are all things that people can see and be like, "Oh you've changed."
But the Changes that really count don't often show themselves on the outside.
Some of the Changes happen in the heart and only show after a long time of living life.
On Thursday I started taking my dreadlocks out (well, my wonderful friends really did all the work) but after several hours of work, I now have "real" hair again.
And it has struck me--I have always thought that I am what I look like--that if I changed I would have to change the outside too.
I realized yesterday when I all my hair was straight again and people commented that "Oh, there is the Hannah we know!" that this is going to be the real test. For now I look like the "old" Hannah, but am different on the inside, so will I stick true to who I really am? or me tempted to be the "old" me?
I have found it easy to be "different" when I had dreadlocks-- because honestly, who looks at the girl with dreadlocks and is scandalized that she is worshiping with her arms in the air? Who looks at the girl with dreads and expects her to be anything but a radical?
But what about the girl who looks "normal?"
Will she act "normal" as well, or be true to the change inside?
(not that the outward expressions of worship and such are such changes, but will she go out of her way to love the ones who don't fit in, now that she does?)
These are the questions I'm facing.
I kinda like them to be honest. I've always liked doing the hard thing.
I have entered a new phase of life for now, still in between places and "doings" but how will I live. How will I love? God, I'm asking for the grace to be true to the changes you have done in my heart, even now, when my outsides don't reflect it like they once did.
So I guess the question I am left with is this: "How then shall I live?"
I'll spend my life answering it. <3
Friday, June 17, 2011
Wednesday, June 15, 2011
Found in the Attic
Today is a day of discovery-- first in the night, while the moonlight flooded into my room--my heart was stirred and started a dialog with God. A sweet melody flowing from me to Him, not forced and not contrived, but real. Real questions, real thoughts, flowing gently.
This morning I woke to the muffled beauty of rain on my window. I looked out and saw the vibrant green of leaves and trees who have been showered with life-giving rain, till life seeps out of every pore and drips off every branch.
Downstairs I hear the welcome call, "If you finish the last of the coffee we can make a new pot!" My big brown mug looks so inviting as I cup it between my two outstretched hands. I welcome the warmth and happiness that coffee brings to my heart and body.
I see that the new Josh Garrels album is out and he is giving away free downloads. Something about the music of Josh Garrels--not matter what mood I am in, his music never fails to bring me back to reality, the reality of God and that reality of life not being something to get all bent out of shape for...
So I have the prefect day--A beautifully huge cup of coffee, music the speaks of worship that I cannot put into words, rain gently falling outside--I see the beauty of life. Pure Beauty.
Talking with Mom this morning over the coffee pot, she told me she had a picture to show me of when she had short hair. We made the journeyed up to the attic and sat next to a box of history--looking through pictures and walking down forgotten lanes of life. My Mom found some poems that she had written, one about my cousin when he was just a baby and one about her Dad. We shared some tears and laughs. We found my birth announcement and now I feel that I share an odd connection with the past.
For several days now, I have been fascinated by the idea of the bigger picture. On Sunday it was pointed out that we often don't understand where we are in life or what the purpose of things are--but it is when we back up and see the larger picture. This was shown in the life of Joseph: as we read it, it all makes sense, but what about for Joseph as he lived his life?
I feel like I have been given a piece of the bigger picture--not only what is to come--but what has already gone by. The reassurance that God has been at work, not just in my life, but the life of my parents, my grandparents, and on and on.
I realize that this life is not just a string of unrelated events, it is more than chance happenings--This life is a story. Beautifully crafted, and held together in the hands of God.
Something that has almost dumbfounded me-- in my birth announcement there was this scripture: Delight thyself also in the Lord and He shall give thee the desires (longings) of thine heart. --Psalm 37:4
When I saw that, it was like a flash of lightning--a thread of light that wove together my past and my present. It may seem like a little thing, but it has moved me greatly. Psalm 37, and in particular, this verse, has been showing up in my life this entire year. I cannot tell you how many times I have been given a note with these verses on it, how many times I felt lead to this passage of scripture... And now, to see how God has had His hand on my life, even before I realized, even before I knew. He has been there for me. He has been helping shape and mold the story of my life. Once again, I see the faithfulness of this God I love, this God who loves me. He who has loved me since the beginning, since before the beginning. He has promised to always be with me, to never leave or forsake. He walks with life with me, step by step. He beckons me to let go of my white-knuckle grip on this world and the illusion of control, He beckons me to let Go. And today I commit again and in the same breath ask for grace. I desire to follow this God who cares and who holds me heart so tenderly.
This morning I woke to the muffled beauty of rain on my window. I looked out and saw the vibrant green of leaves and trees who have been showered with life-giving rain, till life seeps out of every pore and drips off every branch.
Downstairs I hear the welcome call, "If you finish the last of the coffee we can make a new pot!" My big brown mug looks so inviting as I cup it between my two outstretched hands. I welcome the warmth and happiness that coffee brings to my heart and body.
I see that the new Josh Garrels album is out and he is giving away free downloads. Something about the music of Josh Garrels--not matter what mood I am in, his music never fails to bring me back to reality, the reality of God and that reality of life not being something to get all bent out of shape for...
So I have the prefect day--A beautifully huge cup of coffee, music the speaks of worship that I cannot put into words, rain gently falling outside--I see the beauty of life. Pure Beauty.
Talking with Mom this morning over the coffee pot, she told me she had a picture to show me of when she had short hair. We made the journeyed up to the attic and sat next to a box of history--looking through pictures and walking down forgotten lanes of life. My Mom found some poems that she had written, one about my cousin when he was just a baby and one about her Dad. We shared some tears and laughs. We found my birth announcement and now I feel that I share an odd connection with the past.
For several days now, I have been fascinated by the idea of the bigger picture. On Sunday it was pointed out that we often don't understand where we are in life or what the purpose of things are--but it is when we back up and see the larger picture. This was shown in the life of Joseph: as we read it, it all makes sense, but what about for Joseph as he lived his life?
I feel like I have been given a piece of the bigger picture--not only what is to come--but what has already gone by. The reassurance that God has been at work, not just in my life, but the life of my parents, my grandparents, and on and on.
I realize that this life is not just a string of unrelated events, it is more than chance happenings--This life is a story. Beautifully crafted, and held together in the hands of God.
Something that has almost dumbfounded me-- in my birth announcement there was this scripture: Delight thyself also in the Lord and He shall give thee the desires (longings) of thine heart. --Psalm 37:4
When I saw that, it was like a flash of lightning--a thread of light that wove together my past and my present. It may seem like a little thing, but it has moved me greatly. Psalm 37, and in particular, this verse, has been showing up in my life this entire year. I cannot tell you how many times I have been given a note with these verses on it, how many times I felt lead to this passage of scripture... And now, to see how God has had His hand on my life, even before I realized, even before I knew. He has been there for me. He has been helping shape and mold the story of my life. Once again, I see the faithfulness of this God I love, this God who loves me. He who has loved me since the beginning, since before the beginning. He has promised to always be with me, to never leave or forsake. He walks with life with me, step by step. He beckons me to let go of my white-knuckle grip on this world and the illusion of control, He beckons me to let Go. And today I commit again and in the same breath ask for grace. I desire to follow this God who cares and who holds me heart so tenderly.
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